nunchi
CalmMoment.com 334: Never pass up a good
opportunity to shut up
When I was attending Korean school, no one
ever raised their hands during class to ask
a question: why cut the lecture short just so
you can clear up something for yourself?
It was a point of huge culture shock for me,
a 12-year-old American kid. But I learned
two lessons: 1) If you wait long enough, most
questions will be answered; 2) You learn
more from listening than from speaking.
5: Manners exist for a reason
Those who dismiss nunchi are the same
people who think that table manners are
hoity-toity traps invented by the upper class
to embarrass the lower class. This is false,
false, false. Manners serve a couple of useful
purposes: 1) The very artifice of manners
makes the room a safe space and reminds us
to consider the comfort of others; 2) Manners
create healthy boundaries.
6: Read between the lines
A friend once told me, “If you want to know
what someone is really saying, turn down
the volume.” This seems like a contradiction,
but it’s not. It means: don’t take a person’s
words as an exact reflection of their
thoughts. Study the context, study non-
verbal cues. In other words, don’t judge
a book by its cover. Often people’s words
are just that – a cover.
7: Intention is not everything
When you create ill feeling due to having no
nunchi, you do not score points just because
you did not intend to upset anyone. Nunchi
is not like one of those contests where
everyone gets a prize regardless of the actual
outcome. Just as ignorance of the law is no
excuse to a judge, a lack of awareness is no
excuse to the nunchi master.8: Be nimble, be quick
As we’ve established, when someone is
skilled in nunchi, Koreans say that person
has ‘quick nunchi’. The expression ‘slow
and steady wins the race’ does not apply
to nunchi. Being right is sometimes useless
if you’re too slow.This is an edited extract
from The Power of Nunchi:
The Korean Secret to
Happiness and Success
by Euny Hong (£ 12. 99 , Penguin
Random House), out now.Nunchi
(pronounced
noon-chee):
‘Eye measure’, or the
subtle art of gauging other
people’s thoughts and
feelings to build
harmony, trust
and connection.