2019-10-01_In_The_Moment_

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B

eing in a loving, secure

relationship can be incredibly

rewarding. Especially one

where trust is at the heart,

loyalty prevails and care for one

another is a priority.

But what happens when, despite the love,

something doesn’t feel quite right? Perhaps

arguments occur when the other person

doesn’t step up in the way we wish they

would, or we feel misunderstood, neglected

or attacked when it comes to resolving

everyday issues. It is common for even those

in long-term relationships to feel they and

their partner want different things from the

union. For some, that balance might be

impossible to overcome and could, in time,

lead to a relationship breakdown. Others

may compromise by putting their own needs

on the backburner.

According to relationship psychotherapist

Pam Custers, there is a way to tackle these

Knowing our individual emotional

needs could be the key to ultimate

relationship contentment

Words: Karen Edwards

attachment

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differences without losing who we are or the

relationship in the process – and the key is in

establishing why we have the needs we do.

We can learn the reason behind those needs

by identifying our individual, and our

partner’s, ‘attachment style’ – a term that is

used by psychologists to describe how

human beings respond in relationships when

hurt, are separated from loved ones or

perceive a threat.

“Our attachment style is predominantly

laid down during our early development,”

explains Pam. “From our first breath, we look

to our parents for availability and response.

Our early emotional equilibrium affects how

we function within a relationship as an adult.

Essentially, our attachment style becomes a

template for how we manage emotional

triggers when we get older.”

Research into the ‘attachment theory’ was

pioneered by British psychologist John

Bowlby in the 1950s. In the 1980s, Denver

University psychologists Cindy Hazan and

Phillip Shaver presented readers of Colorado

newspaper, Rocky Mountain News, with three

descriptions – asking them to decide which

statement they identified with the most. Each

statement described a pattern of feelings