The Boston Globe - 05.19.2019

OCTOBER 5, 2019 3

Q.

I was close friends
with a guy for six
years. We did so
much together. It
was the kind of friendship
where he would bring me my
favorite things when I was sick.
He was also the kind of guy who
went out a lot and hooked up
with many women. Then he’d
come to me as his safe place.
We were there for each other in
ways that I hadn’t experienced
with anyone before.
After a while, I started to re-
alize that I had romantic feel-
ings for him, but I never
brought them up because I
didn’t want to ruin the friend-
shipandIdidn’tthinkhe’d
want to settle down.
A few months after this real-
ization, I met the man who is
now my boyfriend. My boy-
friend felt uncomfortable/
threatened by the closeness of
my friendship with the guy.
Thinking I was doing the right
thing, I stopped talking to my
best friend. It’s almost three
years later, and I’m still with my
boyfriend, but I constantly
think about my old friend and
wonder if he even thinks about
me now.
I know he was hurt at first,
but I wish I could know if he’s
feeling the way I do. I don’t
know if he was my first real love
(even though we did not have a
physical relationship), or if I’m
supposed to be with him. The
littlest things remind me of
him. I care for the person I’m
with because I know how much
he cares for me. He’s safe. I
would have a safe life with him
and wouldn’t have to worry

about stepping out of my com-

fort zone.

I should say that it wasn’t al-

ways great with my boyfriend; I

was once crazy in love with

him, but almost a year ago we

broke up for a short period

when I found out he’d been ly-

ing to me for months. But the

whole experience strengthened

the relationship, at least on his

end. I still feel hurt and less en-

thusiastic on my end.

I have this fantasy where my

friend and I run into each other

at a party. Right when we see

each other, we started talking

and being honest about how we

felt. That’s why I think the most

frustrating part of this is the

chance I never took three years

ago. The fact that I don’t know

how my old friend really feels

about me anymore, or if he ever

loved me the way I did him.

What do I do?

THINKING ABOUT HIM

A.

Let’s say you learned

that your ex-friend

had no interest in a

romantic relationship with you.

Would that fuel some new ex-

citement about your current

partner? Would it give you the

confidence you need to put all

of your effort into the relation-

ship in front of you?

Something tells me the an-

swer might be no. The way you

write about this “comfort zone”

... it doesn’t sound very comfy.
You’re still upset that your part-
ner lied to you. You’re fantasiz-
ing about anything but him. I
have to wonder whether you’re
looking for a way out, and this
friend is the easiest distraction.

Maybe without the memory of

him, you’d still find someone

else to think about.

I do think it might have been

for the best that you let go of

this friendship three years ago.

You had strong romantic feel-

ings, and they were beginning

to get in the way of your ability

to fall for anyone else. You

needed a boundary. I just wish

you’d made it for yourself in-

stead of your boyfriend.

The thing is, if you really

want to reach out to this friend

now, you can. I mean, you’d

want to tell your boyfriend that

you’re doing it, and he probably

wouldn’t like it, but three years

later, maybe things are differ-

ent. Also, it’s possible that see-

ing this man will change your

fantasies. It might help you

make real decisions about what

you’re really seeking right now.

MEREDITH

READERSRESPOND:

Normally, I would say it’s

never a good sign when your

new boyfriend tells you to cut

off contact with your male

friend, but in this case, he ap-

pears to have been right. How-

ever, it still didn’t really work,

because you are still thinking

about your friend three years

later. So, you need to break up

with your boyfriend. If you

want to reconnect with your

friend, be up front with him

about your feelings. If you can’t

do that, do not get in contact

with him. You don’t want to be

his friend. CRUCIFIEDZEOFF

“... the most frustrating

part of this is the chance I never

took three years ago.”He never

took the chance either. If he

wanted you, he would have

made his move. Instead, he pre-

fers the relative anonymity of

hooking up with a variety of

women. VALENTINO---

Realize that being with him

exclusively is a dream. If you

are using these daydreams as a

reason to leave you current boy-

friend, then do that. But realize

thatis your endgame — not be-

ing in an exclusive relationship

with your ex-bestie. GDCATCH

You can still reach out to

your old friend regardless of

what you decide about the boy-

friend. For all you know he’s

happily married. At this point it

might become clear that you

are meant to be just friends. For

the record, I think something

romantic would have already

happened with him if it were

going to, but I could be wrong.

Good luck. WENDY-

Friends do nice things for

each other (such as bringing

things to someone when that

person is sick). He did nothing

beyond that for you. BIGSIGH

Friend never made a move

in years = not interested.

THATGUYINRI

Column and comments are

edited and reprinted from

boston.com/loveletters. Send

letters to meredith.goldstein

@globe.com. Find Season 3 of

the Love Letters podcast at

loveletters.show.

LOVE LETTERS

BY MEREDITH GOLDSTEIN

Can’t stop thinking about her past friend

By Chris Triunfo
GLOBE CORRESPONDENT
John Gallagher (@john.gal-
lagher.artist) moved to Boston
from Drogheda, Ireland, at the
age of 20. Skip ahead 24 years
to 2019, and he’s settled down
in Wakefield, making what he
loves — art. Gallagher’s paint-
ings are case studies in color,
texture, and experimentation.
Most of his subjects are wild
animals set on abstract back-
grounds, full of color and lay-
ers. The Cambridge Arts Coun-
cil and Revolutionary Clinics, a
Cambridge-based medical mar-
ijuana dispensary, invited him
to feature his art at their new
clinic, opening in November, in
Central Square.

Q.Your art toes the line be-
tween realism and abstraction.

How did you land on that

style?

A.Quite simply, I love abstrac-

tion. I love abstract art. But, it

just leaves me wanting a little

bit more. Sometimes I’ll just

start painting with absolutely

no plan whatsoever. Once I

have that done, or it feels done,

I move into the actual subject

of the piece. I always add only

one figure to my paintings, and

it’s usually an animal. That, I

find, takes away from the ab-

straction a bit. It gives the

painting a sense of scale and

position, whereas abstraction

canbesoopen-ended.

Q.Your subjects are all ani-

mals. Why?

A.Last year, somebody ap-

proached me at a show to

speak to me about my art and

they pointed out that I only

paint animals. Incredibly, it

hadn’t actually occurred to me.

If you’re drawing a human, art-

ists get bogged down easily by

details of the face, the person’s

mood, their relationship to

them. With animals, you are

stripped of interpreting a per-

sonality, but there is still a con-

sciousness, a living being, that

you’re painting there. They’re

all self-portraits really. If I were

to give you a pencil and ask you

to draw me a fox. No matter

your skill level, the final prod-

uct will tell me more about you

than about the fox.

Q.So is your art less of a job

and more of a cathartic cre-

ative method? What does your

art mean to you?

A.For me, it is primarily a form

of expression. I think that art is

a social necessity — we need it.

We either need to create it, or

view it, and most importantly,

see ourselves in it. One of the

first things a child will do when

they are given a crayon is start

drawing, even if they don’t

know the purpose of the object

in their hands. It’s in us. I paint

abstractly because I have ab-

stract feelings. That’s not my

quote. [Laughs] The realism

locks it into place. When I see a

finished work, there’s this tre-

mendous sense of release. It

serves as a capsule of time. It’s

catharsis, like you said. Exactly

that.

This interview has been

condensed and released. Chris

Triunfo can be reached at

[email protected].

MY INSTAGRAM

John Gallagher

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