the washington post
.thursday, september
19,
2019DC12
BY MEGHAN LEAHYQ: Help! My 9-year-old’s
back talk has been
increasing. In talking with
her friends’ parents, it
seems as if she isn’t the
only one, but I’m struggling
with the best way to deal
with it. I know I don’t
respond well to it because it
drives me nuts, but I think
my response only escalates
things. Any tips for how to
deal with it in the moment
while also trying to nip it
overall? Or am I asking too
much?A: Let me send you some love,
from one parent of a 9-year-old
girl to another. The back talk is
real. In my case, it is a
combination of third-child-itis
and two strong personalities
(both of us) that keeps us
tussling.But for you? I don’t know why
there is back talk, and this is the
essential question you must try
to answer. If you can’t answer
the why, then you aren’t going to
figure out what to do about it.
Let’s take a moment to
understand 9-year-olds before
we dive into back talk.
A 9-year-old, developmentally
speaking, is at a wonderful and
unpredictable age. A 9-year-old
is prone to big emotions and
outbursts as well as rational
thought and patience, and this is
maddening for both the child
and the parent. A 9-year-old
longs to be chosen, can be
restless, and can be prone to
worries and anxieties. A 9-year-
old can be preoccupied with
finishing a project (like my
daughter, endlessly French
braiding her hair last night
before bed), so you may receive
some back talk if you are trying
to move your daughter along to
get ready for school, get her in
the car, get her to do her chores,
get her to soccer practice, get her
to do her homework. Yo u have a
schedule to get through, but she
is busy with her own plans. And
what happens when humans feel
pushed around? They push back.A child that age might back
talk because they’re ready for
more independence, but the
parent is holding on to a
younger version of the child.
Seemingly overnight, your child
is ready to walk alone to a
friend’s house, organize their
own homework, choose all of
their own clothing and have
opinions about their meals.
Though this can feel
challenging, it is best to see your
child’s opinions and pushback as
an invitation to change, rather
than just straight-up
misbehavior. It is useful to see
back talk as a form of
communication that needs to be
better understood. When I am
getting chronic back talk (here-
and-there back talk is normal), I
ask myself questions to clarify
what I am seeing:- What is my child really
trying to tell me? - What precipitated the back
talk? - Did I say something that
invited the back talk, or did it
happen before I even opened my
mouth? - How do I respond to the
back talk every time it happens? - What are at least three ways
I am positively connecting with
my child?
The questions aren’t meant to
give you perfect answers; they
are meant to provide you a
thoughtful place to see your
daughter more clearly. The onus
of change, when dealing with a
sassy 9-year-old, is on you. She
is not mature enough to reflect
on all of her needs and speak to
you maturely, as well as make
clear behavioral changes. You
need to look at her behaviors
while staying strongly
connected to her despite the
sassiness and maintaining clear
and firm boundaries. Parents
logically know that all children
need a warm and loving
connection, but the sassier the
child is, the less the parents
want to connect with them. The
less connected the child feels,
the sassier she gets. So, before
you set up consequences,
connecting with her must be
your primary effort.
Finally, what do you do in the
middle of the sassiness? It
depends. You may need to just
walk away and hum a little tune
while you go. Choosing to not
react is powerful, so stay silent
and breathe. Not feeding thisfight is challenging, but it
shows that you have power over
your own emotions. It also
gives you a chance to take a
beat and respond with
kindness.
If you are feeling calm, you
can get on her level and say, “Yo u
sound frustrated, what’s up?”
But you have to be ready for the
actual answer. If your daughter
tells you that you are smothering
her, you have to be ready to
receive it with a calm head. And
yes, there will be a time that she
back talks you and needs to lose
something important. Tr y to not
take away time with you — take
away time with friends,
technology or another privilege.
Of course, if you react to every
sass with taking something away
from her, the behavior will get
worse, so be judicious with
punishments.
Good luck! Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the transcript of a recent live
Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice, where
you can also find past columns. Her
next chat is scheduled for Sept. 25.
Send questions about parenting
to [email protected].ON PARENTINGA back-talking 9-year-old isn’t unusual, but the reasons can vary
Family
WASHINGTON POST/PRISMA FILTER/ISTOCKUPLOADED BY "What's News" vk.com/wsnws TELEGRAM: t.me/whatsnws