CHAPTER 16
CIA SAFE SEX PRACTICES
B
efore we begin, I should probably clarify a key point for those readers
who are old enough to remember when CIA allegedly stood for Catho-
lics in Action. The title of this chapter does not refer to the rhythm method,
or even to holding garlic between your knees until after marriage. It also
has nothing to do with Burton Gerber’s stated preference for childless spy
couples, or with “denied areas.” It means, quite simply, sex on a safe. While
the author has not personally engaged in this particular form of classified
hanky-panky, I know that its practice on official CIA property is not all
that uncommon. (Rumor has it one especially enthusiastic couple’s reckless
abandon shook the safe so much that the dial actually moved back and forth
with just enough precision to crack it open, its classified contents spilling out
onto the clothing-littered office floor. Talk about tickling the tumblers!)
Sex between CIA colleagues, both during training and overseas, is
more common than one might imagine. This should not be all that sur-
prising, however, since the CIA has strict rules governing the ins and outs
of which foreigners are considered forbidden fruit. “Thou shalt not frater-
nize with the enemy” being the overriding principle. Certain foreigners are
clearly off-limits, like North Koreans and Canadians. (Okay, not the latter,
but you get the point.) For those foreigners not on the “no-fly list,” CIA
employees must report any relationship where the employee has developed
“bonds of affection” with a foreigner. Which, naturally, raises a question:
what if my relationship with Natasha is purely physical and there are no
discernible bonds of affection?
Sadly, the CIA does not appreciate this kind of lawyerly nitpicking over its
rules. And violation of these rules will land a CIA employee in some serious
hot water (including prison, depending on how far it goes). So, CIA employees,
as often as not, end up sleeping with other CIA employees. It’s just easier that161