10 LISTENER SEPTEMBER 14 2019
LIFE
Stone the crows
Had he been
stoned, it’sunlikely that
he would have
been prowlingabout with
larcenous intent.A
N
TH
O
N
Y^
EL
LL
IS
O
N
BILL
RALSTON
I
t was about 1.45am when I was
woken by a loud crash at our front
door. Actually, I was woken by
my insomniac wife digging me in
the ribs and yelling, “What the hell’s
that? Get up!”
I sprang panther-like from the bed.
Okay, I lurched out, tripped over
my discarded shoes and banged my
head on the bedroom door before I
thought to turn on the lights.
My cursing and less-than-stealthy
approach to the door seem to have
discouraged a burglar, who took off
leaving a small broken
wooden box with a bag
of whitish powder in it
on the deck.
The box had obvi-
ously been hurled at the
toughened-glass door,
which did not break.
We returned to bed and
decided to ring the cops
in the morning.
The white powder
seemed to arouse the
interest of the con-
stabulary on the phone,
along with our discov-
ery that the neighbours’
garage had been broken
into and, it seems, some
booze drunk.
The neighbours were
away in Wellington,
but they cunningly had
a surveillance camera
on their property thatA boozed burglar
sparks a meditation
on the merits of
cannabis.
“And what did you take away from today’s meeting?”
they could access online. They looked at footage
from the previous night and immediately spotted
a young man staggering around the place. They
sent us a snapshot of what looked like a deranged
teenager.
We then found that he had crossed the road to
a local winery. There, he smashed his way into a
house, where he promptly peed on the floor, drank
more alcohol and presumably passed out for a few
hours, because he was sighted the following morn-
ing in daylight running away and leaping a fence.
Two cops arrived, took fingerprints and swiftly
determined the white powder on the deck was, in
fact, the ashes of a neighbour’s cat.
In a flash of detective work of our own, we
realised a small table on which there were wine and
spirits bottles was visible through the door and con-
cluded the drunken youth had used the flimsy box
containing the last earthly remains of Shadow the
cat to try to smash his way in to get at the booze.
Halfwit. Still, I’m getting a dog. A big one. With
teeth.A
ll of which, somewhat
circuitously, brings me to the
point. In advance of next
year’s cannabis referendum, the
Helen Clark Foundation has released
research that shows the status quo
is unacceptable and advocates
treating drugs such as marijuana as a
health issue, not a criminal one, and
legalising it. I agree.
I could make the point that had
the burglarising kid been stoned
and not drunk, it’s highly unlikely
that he would have been prowling
about with larcenous intent. Instead,
he would have been sunk in an
armchair at home babbling inanities
and listening to loud music.
More than 80% of New Zealand-
ers have tried cannabis, but the polls
show a majority oppose the Helen
Clark Foundation’s conclusion. This,
I believe, is because
many of those previ-
ously stoned majority
now have teenagers,
recall their own behav-
iour back in the day,
and recoil from the
effect legalisation may
have on their little
darlings.
The reality is, legal
or illegal, booze or
cannabis, teenagers
will always be able to
access intoxicants and
probably abuse them.
Cannabis and alcohol
are health issues and
should be treated as
such.
Oh, yes, and my
advice to the dead-
cat-desecrating kid is
get help – you are a
mess. l