112 – OCTOBER 2019
ILLUSTRATIONS BY IGOR BASTIDAS
Questionable EtiquetteIs It Ever Okay...to Ask theRestaurant to Turn Down the Music?Solicited advice from Alex Beggs for your next dinner outCan I refuse the first table
offered to me by a host
or hostess? I’m talking 6 p.m.
on a Wednesday when
there are plenty of free
tables available.
—ILL-SEATED STEPH
It’s not what you say but how
you say it. Do you sneer and
insult the manager, who is also
a celebrated local artist, when
you ask for “something farther
away from the hideous portrait
of nude George Costanza”?
Have a fantastic time, jerk! Or
do you ask so kindly, so warmly,
you sound like you’re inviting
the host over for dinner yourself?
I think you can see the pattern
here: BE NICE TO PEOPLE.How can you suggest
that the restaurant lower the
volume on the stereo
without being That Person?
—JAMMING JOSIEScript: “This is soooo embarrassing
to ask and I feel like such a loooooser,
but would it be possible to turn the
music down a SMIDGE?” You
MUST say the word SMIDGE in this
scenario or it will never work.Is it ever okay to order
something off the menu,
like a banana?
—POTASSIUM-DEFICIENT PATTI
Is banana the code word that
gets you in to the restaurant’s
cool new produce-and-
bondage–themed underground
freakeasy (freaky-speakeasy)?
If so: Yes. If not: No way.
If I don’t like a dish, can I just
send it back?
—NOT-INTO-IT IVAN
No—that’s how dining out (or
going to the movies, or picking
a college major) works. You’re
paying for something that is
hopefully good but might not be.
These are the ONLY situations in
which you can send back a dish:- The pork chop is rare.
- There’s a piece of plastic in
the ravioli. - There are cashews in the
salad, and you noted earlier
that you are allergic. - A black crow flies out of the
pot pie. - You’re Gordon Ramsay.
I want to pour my own
wine at a fancy restaurant.
Is that so wrong?
—CONTROLLING CLARA
Fine, spill little trails of red wine
on the white tablecloth. Pour
more for yourself than for Steven.
I see how it is. If serving your
own vino is such a priority for
you, try this: When the server
sets down the bottle, say, “Thank
you so much; we’ll pour it from
here! Some of us are going
to drink less than others tonight.”When getting up out of your
seat in a restaurant where
the tables are tightly packed,
is it better to face your
neighbor or to have your
butt toward their table?
—MICHAEL’S ON THE MOVE
Let’s be real: This depends on
the distance between your butt
and the wine glasses on their
table. You can do that math.Can I take home the
basket of complimentary
bread or what?
—CARBO-LOADING CAMERON
Definitely! Just leave the basket
behind, please and thanks.Do you have bad manners? Find out by emailing your etiquette questions to [email protected].Often a waiter will ask if
you want anchovies on your
Caesar salad, but recently
a restaurant charged me for
them without warning. In
this scenario, is it appropriate
to ask for that charge to be
taken off the bill?
—NEGOTIABLE NADEEN
Informing the server all innocently
that you had no idea the
anchovies on a Caesar salad
would be extra is fine. Come on,
the salad is SUPPOSED to have
anchovies. They’d better be free!
And if the server stands by the
surcharge? Well, I hope the
$2 doesn’t keep you up at night.
Global warming should!Should kids be allowed to
watch an iPad at the table?
—JUDGY JANE
As long as the kid has headphones
on and isn’t flinging peas in my
general direction, he can watch
The Wire for all I care.