the washington post
.thursday, september
5
,2019DC14
Family
BY MEGHAN LEAHYQ: I had some friends stay
with me who were in town for
a wedding. On the morning of
the wedding, we took my kids
(4 and 2) to the park, where
there was a little carnival.
When it came time to leave,
my 2-year-old had a
meltdown, saying that she
didn’t want to leave. Not
wanting to invalidate her
feelings, I did what I normally
do in this situation: let her
cry, sat with her and talked to
her about how it was okay to
feel sad. We started walking
toward the exit and had to
take a few more breaks for her
to cry and for me to
acknowledge her feelings and
compliment her on taking
deep breaths and holding my
hand. I felt like a good parent,
but my friends were visibly
annoyed. We had cut the
timing close as it was, and
then this episode probably
added another 20 minutes
beyond that, meaning they
were rushing to get ready for
the wedding. Would there
have been a better way for me
to handle that? I could have
just picked her up and walked
her out, but I knew that would
turn into a full-fledged
kicking and screaming
tantrum and not provide any
growth for her. I allowed her
to come to terms with the
situation and work through
her feelings. But, obviously, I
made my friends late. Should
I have just scooped her up and
marched to the car with the
thought that one tantrum
wasn’t the end of the world?
Or was I right to work
through it with her?A: Oh boy. I have to be honest here; if I were
your friend, I would have been annoyed,
too. Whether your friends have children
and understand the wretchedness of a
tantrum or not, stopping and talking to
your crying 2-year-old over and over when a
wedding was looming would have put me
right over the edge.
But I hear that you care, both about your
friends and your children, so let’s take a
closer look at this scenario.
To begin, there is no right answer when it
comes to handling a tantrum from a 2-year-
old, though there are some definite wrong
ways to handle a tantrum: spanking,
hitting, shaming and screaming your head
off come to mind. So, do I think you were a
disaster leaving the carnival? No, not at all.
Allowing a child to cry, sitting and listening
to her big feelings, complimenting her on
taking deep breaths, and holding her hand?
Heck, let me take a couple of pages out of
your patient parenting book — it’s
impressive to keep your cool like that!
While you were doing all this listening
and complimenting, you failed to recognize
what a friend of mine at the Parenting
Education Program calls the needs of the
situation. At any point in our parenting
lives, the needs of the situation are
changing. Your 2-year-old is throwing
crayons on the floor at crowded, loud and
chaotic pizza place? The needs of the
situation do not point to anything dire; sit
back and relax. Your 2-year-old starts to
throw crayons on the floor at Aunt Karen’s
60th birthday party, complete with fancy
shoes and white tablecloths? The needs ofthe situation demand that you get the
crayons off the floor and the child busy with
something else, stat. Your teen is sitting on
his phone while everyone attends a football
party at a neighbor’s house? The needs of
the situation may dictate that you don’t
sweat it. But say you’re attending a sit-down
dinner at a co-worker’s house? You may say
the needs of the situation are that the teen
smile and make small talk with the family.
It’s about taking in the context and making
the best parenting decision you can.
In your case, the needs of the situation
were that people get into a car and get
ready for a wedding. Period. That means
you pick up your child, surfboard style, and
high-tail it out of the carnival, complete
with kicking and swinging limbs. It was not
the time or place to have chats, sit and
listen, and more. Nope. Grab the kid and go.
And lest you think that this is hurtful to
your child, allow me to give another
perspective. For starters, 2-year-olds are
notoriously emotional creatures, so if you
were to try to listen and talk out all of their
feelings all of the time, you may potentially
never do anything else ever again. Speaking
out of pure practicality, all of this attention
just isn’t a good use of your parenting time.
Stuff has to get done, right? Second, giving
all of this attention (stopping, sitting,
talking, eye contact, hand-holding,
breathing exercises) can actually grow the
very problems you are trying to extinguish.
I am not suggesting compassion causes
parenting problems, but 20 minutes of this
kind of attention for a 2-year-old? It’s pretty
powerful for their young brains, and youaren’t doing your kid any favors to allow
her to think that you (and every adult near
you) will stop and listen to all this crying all
the time. If you keep up this lengthy
attention process, you could find yourself
parenting a budding brat.
This is all confusing, because many
parents receive the messages that
everything you did in this letter is the
pinnacle of parenting, but holding a firm
boundary is also just as important as
listening. It was not fair to the 2-year-old,
you or any of the adults waiting (not to
mention a bride and groom) to allow these
carnival shenanigans to play out for so long,
and the 2-year-old only learned that she can
make you stop and go at her will. Though
no one enjoys a boundary, this is how your
2-year-old learns you love her and the car
still needs to go. Boundaries are critical in
helping children adapt and become
resilient, so please know that carrying her
out of the carnival, while loud and messy, is
not hurtful, mean or impatient parenting.
Will there be days when you can stop and
listen and breathe with your children? Yes.
Just discern when the situation calls for
that kind of patience or when the situation
calls for you to step up, hold a boundary
and get to a wedding on time. Good luck. Also at washingtonpost.com Read the
transcript of a recent live Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice , where you can also
find past columns. Her next chat is scheduled for
Sept. 10.
Send questions about parenting to
[email protected].ON PARENTINGShould I have handled my 2-year-old’s tantrum differently?
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