15
DCthe washington post
.
thursday, september5
,
2019Family
Parenting coach and columnist
Meghan Leahy answered
questions recently in an online
chat. Here is an edited excerpt.
Q: I’m back to work after having
my first child three months ago.
Any tips on adjusting? When will
I stop crying on the train every
morning? I know she is safe and
in good hands, and I didn’t love
every minute of leave (she likes
to be held and slept on me most
of the time, limiting my
productivity, and wet her diaper
and screamed bloody murder
every five minutes), but the
combination of lack of sleep and
hormones is doing a number on
me. I don’t love my job. It’s okay
and pays the bills, but the
commute is not great
(unfortunately telework is not an
option at this time). I’m trying to
not make rash decisions about
my future employment/
becoming a stay-at-home mom,
etc. Thanks for any advice you
can provide.
A: I am sending you a big virtual
hug right now.
The first thing I want you to
do is make sure you don’t have
postpartum depression. The first
couple of months (even years)
after a baby can be rocky, both
hormonally and physically, but it
is important to track how much
you are crying and how bad you
feel every day. Talk to someone
about it. It is hard, because if you
are depressed after birth,
everyone chalks it up to
hormones and lack of sleep, and
while that’s not wrong, it isn’t
the whole picture.
So please, go to a doctor and
talk about this.
Secondly, know that there is a
continuum of parents out there
all doing their thing. On one end
are parents who work and work
and love life. They experience
very little guilt and seem to be
killing it everywhere. They are
unicorns. At the other end are
the parents who instantly stay at
home and love life. They are
never bored and are killing it
everywhere, too. They are also
unicorns. Both of these extremes
are valid ways to parent. Then
there’s the rest of us, in the messy
middle. We have to work, we
want to work, we work part time,
we work from home, we go back
to work, we take breaks from
work, we really like work, we
kind of hate work, we really like
parenting, we think parenting is
kind of boring, and on and on it
goes. We move up and down the
continuum as we and our
children and family grow and
change, but we are all in the
messy middle. Unsure. Happy.
Miserable. Ambivalent.
Resentful. Grateful. And
endlessly waiting for a sign of
what to do next.
If you have a partner, sit down
with this person and put it all out
on the table. Not to panic them
but to dump the inside out,
because often there are solutions
you never thought of right under
your nose.
And find some working-mom
friends. They are everywhere,
and it is important to find your
tribe. You need other women to
get you, see you and hear you.
Go see your doctor, talk to
your partner, find your friends
and start to dream up what you
would like in life. Don’t make
rash decisions, but you are
allowed to imagine how you
would like to feel.Q: I have three kids (5, 3 and 2
years old) and work full time. I’ve
been trying to make sure their
“love cups” are full by spending
one-on-one time with each on
the weekends. The problem is
the other kids, especially the 5-
year-old, get super jealous when
I leave the house with one kid.
And half the time the kid getting
the special time wants the others
to join. I wouldn’t mind it if it
were just the 10 or so minutesbefore we leave, but the 5-year-
old will talk for days or weeks
about how her sibling went to
the library with Mama and she
didn’t. Reminders that she also
got special time fall on deaf ears.
I tried to switch to giving the
kids special time with me as a
group, but it’s pretty much
impossible. For example, we go
to the library, and inevitably
they’re fighting because one
wants to do a craft, one wants to
read a book, and one wants to
read a different book. Do I push
forward with one-on-one time or
just throw in the towel because
we’re in the thick of things with
three small kids? Or do I try to
let the one-on-one time evolve
more naturally and trust it will
come (for example, reading to
one kid when the other two are
absorbed in a game)?
A: First, well done. Working full
time, three little kids, spending
one-on-one time with each child
on the weekends? That’s a lot.
Oldest children can be
notoriously demanding of their
parents’ time, and this doesn’t
come from a bad place. The birth
order can just be powerful. She is
the most verbal, the most in
control of her body, and feeling
the most crowded by her little
siblings (who are noisy andneedy and cute). Though
firstborn children can be
excellent leaders and thinkers,
they can also be bossy and
controlling, jealous, and a little
mean. Not all the time, but here
and there.
The worst thing you can do is
tie yourself into an emotional
pretzel and let this child yank
you around. You are being fair,
kind and holding boundaries
with your time. If you make
exceptions and respond to her
whining with more time, you will
have quite a little nightmare on
your hands.
That being said, as the mother
of three kids myself, there have
been times when one of my
children has needed more
attention than the others, and I
am happy to give it. I find tiny
ways to increase proximity, with
eye contact, jokes, playing a card
game, taking a walk, cuddling,
anything! Just more time in the
same space with that child, even
if that means she helps me cook.
Time is time.
You decide what the 5-year-old
needs, and then act. Do not give
in to her as soon as she whines,
but instead make a plan that will
give you both what you need.
And please, take it easy on
yourself. It is not only necessarythat your child experience
frustration — it’s good. She is
learning all of her wishes cannot
be granted when and how she
wants. Humans need that to
grow up into mature adults. As
long as her connection with you
is solid and loving, this
frustration is good.Q: My son, who just turned 4,
appears to have anxiety. This
includes separation anxiety (day-
care drop-offs are tough,
including lots of crying and
screaming) and anxiety
(manifesting as temper
tantrums) when something in
his routine changes. I had a baby
this year, so a lot has changed in
his life, but we’re trying to settle
into a routine. In the past week,
we’ve been telling him very
clearly how his day is going to go
— who is doing drop-off/pickup,
what day I’m traveling for work
(I travel one day a week), etc.
That seemed to help a little. Is
there anything else we could/
should be doing? This just
started about three months after
the baby was born.
A: Ta ke a peek at what day care
and schools do. It is visual,
visual, visual, visual.
They have charts and suns and
clouds, etc.
Visuals are good for 4-year-
olds because their young brains
simply cannot hold on to all of
the information you are giving
them, it is too based in the
future, too abstract. Four-year-
olds need here and now.
I also like giving 4-year-olds
lovies and pictures, so they have
something to hold on to. Here
are some ideas:
l A tiny photo book of him
with his family.
l A special keychain.
l A stuffed animal or blanket
that smells like you.
l A special rock or pebble.
(Seriously, if you tell the 4-year-
old that all of your love is in it,
they believe you. And you know
what, who’s to say all of your love
isn’t in it?)
l A favorite superhero or
figurine.
We are looking for physical
anchors to remind him, all day,
of his connection to you.
Finally, always focus on when
you will see him again and what
you will do. “I will see you in six
hours and then we eat spaghetti.”
It w ill help point his mind toward
the next meeting. Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the rest of this transcript and
submit questions to the next chat,
Sept. 11 at 11 a.m., at
live.washingtonpost.com.PARENTING Q&A
The messy middle of working and parenting at the same time
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