2019-09-01 In The Moment

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W

alking down the street, I paused
outside the door of the bar, trying
to work up the courage to step
inside. Each time I tried to go in,
I lost my nerve and started to
pace up and down the road for what felt like hours.
I don’t know how many times I walked along that
stretch – perhaps 10 times – but it felt endless.
I was in my mid-twenties and trying to go to
a networking event – something I found terrifying
at the time. I felt as though I didn’t understand the
rules. How could I approach a group and join in the
conversation? Should I attempt to make eye contact
or hover nearby? What if no one spoke to me? My
social anxiety built up the situation in my mind until
I couldn’t even walk through the door.

Back then, I would make excuses to avoid parties or

nights out if I didn’t know many people there, or if the

event felt too big. I’d lie, saying that I was too tired or

pretending to be ill so that I could stay at home.

Now I’m in my thirties, I still don’t enjoy networking

or even going to crowded parties, but I’m much better

at coping with it. Looking back, one of the main

reasons I felt so anxious about going to social events

was the pressure I put on myself. I used to work

myself up into a state before I even left the house, and

the thought of spending hours in the company of

strangers felt overwhelming. What eventually helped

me was setting goals – I promised myself that I would

go and stay for one drink, or that I would try to get

through half an hour. If I felt okay after that, then

I could stay. If not, then there was no shame in

going home, because at least I’d tried.

Chloe Brotheridge, author of Brave New Girl

(Michael Joseph, £12.99), struggled with social anxiety

in her teens. “When I first started going to networking

events, I felt as though I was an animal going to a

slaughter house. It sounds really dramatic, but that’s

how extreme it can feel when you have social

anxiety,” she says. For a long time, Chloe stopped

going to parties because she felt too anxious, but she

says that avoiding social situations only made it worse.

Avoidance reinforces the belief that socialising is

Feeling nervous in social

situations is not unusual but

we can learn to let go of our

fears, says Sarah Orme

social anxiety

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