wellness
44 CalmMoment.com
E
ven though I do things like public speaking,
dancing on the terrace outside London’s
Southbank Centre at 4pm (despite most
people being seated), and blogging about pretty
personal stuff over the past 15 years, I can be
very shy and awkward at times.
It’s helpful to recognise that everyone has
something which brings about a less confident
version of them. In relationships, it’s something that
we can find baffling about our partner, especially if
we feel quite confident in ourselves or if our partner
has a lot of triggers for feeling shy or nervous.
In situations that take us outside our comfort
zone, past events and beliefs affect our sense of
self. Fear shows up when we stretch ourselves.
Historically, this was to help us avoid being savaged
by wild animals, but these days it might rear its
head when all we want, for example, is to let our
partner know that we’re in the mood for sex. Our
awareness of the potential for embarrassment,
criticism, the unknown, scrutiny, or even praise,
instantly pulls us back.
A difference between each partner’s confidence
levels can make things worse. In a situation where
one partner doesn’t feel nervous, or they do but go
ahead anyway (consciously or not), the other
partner might feel threatened by their confidence
or bring themselves down with comparison. They
might behave shyly, even if there isn’t anything to
be nervous of, or perhaps retreat.
A consistent lack of confidence or low self-esteem
affects our ability to experience and develop a
mutually fulfilling relationship. But having
unconfident moments is very different, and how
both partners handle them can stop them becoming
a frequent occurrence.
It can be frustrating when our partner baulks
at asking for help when feeling uncertain, responds
shyly despite being in the relationship for what
feels like forever, or when they catastrophise things,
despite past experiences proving they’ll be just fine.
Sometimes, we don’t want to feel as if we have to
drag or coddle something out of them. Or maybeWe all have a shy side
Moments of shyness strike us all, even within a happy and secure
relationship, and that isn’t a judgment about us or our partner...we’re the one who finds it hard to ask for help.
Some people do take a little while to warm up
in certain situations, and we don’t always need
to make it our job to compensate for them, or to
wait for someone to compensate for us, if we’re the
one feeling uncomfortable. Each partner had a life
before the relationship and is processing their past
as they move forward – their confidence level is
not a judgment about the relationship.
What we need to avoid is casting each other
in roles like ‘The Confident One’ and ‘The Shy
One’, because we will inadvertently reinforce them.
Roles blind us to instances that don’t fit them, but
they also cause us to make assumptions. Notice
whether there are assigned tasks and functions in
the relationship – and make an effort to break them.
It’s not uncommon for someone who appears less
confident to secretly desire more of the proverbial
spotlight, while also having an underlying fear of
usurping their partner. But if it feels uncomfortable
for us to imagine not being in a certain role, this is
a call for us to look at where we’re hiding behind it.
Communication can help a lot here. A great thing
about relationships is that we can be – and need to
be – honest with our partners, even if we have to
get over some awkwardness to initially bring a
certain issue up. We can point out where they’re
actually exacerbating something that makes them
uncomfortable, or where they’re making us feel
even less confident with their (often unintentional)
reaction to our feelings. By talking about it and
noting progress in both partners, we might be able
to find a better balance of confidence for both.Natalie Lue is the author of
five books aimed at helping
overachievers and people-
pleasers break unhealthy habits.
She has been writing her blog
baggagereclaim.com for 13 years.
Follow her on Insta @natlueWords: Natalie Lue