relationships
CalmMoment.com 47W
hen the behavioural scientist
Paul Dolan came out recently
and said that evidence pointed
to single women in their 40s
being happier than their
married mother counterparts, I thought, ‘Hallelujah’.
Not because I agreed with all of his statement
(Dolan has since modified his comments after
misinterpreting some of the data), but because
finally someone was acknowledging that being a
single woman of ‘a certain age’ is a good thing.
I have just turned 44, I don’t have children and
I have been happily single for a number of years.
I’ve never felt defined by whether I have a partner
or not, even when I’ve been in relationships, and
I love the freedom and flexibility my life gives me.
Yet I still have to defend myself to others, who see
it as anything but normal. By way of greeting
I often get asked, ‘Have you met anyone yet?’,
and people offer unsolicited comments like, ‘I can’t
understand while you’re still single.’ It might be
well-meaning, but I can’t help doing an inner eye
roll sometimes. Occasionally I get the more
abrupt question, ‘Do you regret not having kids?’.
As if my life is a misfortune that has befallen me,
rather than something I have control over.
Beyoncé might have done her bit for all the
single ladies, but the stereotypes have stillpersisted: the cat lover (see the Sheba ads), the sad
spinster, the Bridget Jones Chardonnay-swigging
singleton, the ambitious career woman or the
desperate sperm hunter. Yet things are changing.
In an age where we are economically freer than
ever and the traditional roles and life markers no
longer apply, a rising number of women across all
ages are going down the single route. Whether it’s
through choice or circumstance, for environmental
or financial reasons, this flourishing demographic
is challenging a long-held ‘left on the shelf ’ societal
bias. “We’re starting to question the narrative that
says in order to be happy we have to get married
and have a family,” says Dolan, who is author of
the book, Happy Ever After.
Sam is 37 and lives in West Sussex, UK. She has
been single since a long-term relationship broke up
when she was 33. “I used to think I needed to get
back into a relationship and start a family, but
I’ve come to realise that I’m happy by myself,”
she says. “I love my job and my dogs, and I’ve got
a really good network of friends. Just because I’m
single doesn’t mean I don’t do stuff. I take myself
out for ‘date night’ and go to the cinema or theatre
or out for dinner. I just don’t think there’s the
stigma there once was about doing things by
yourself. For me, it’s really empowering to enjoy
your own company.”Single. No kids.
Happy that way.
At last, we are beginning to acknowledge publicly that
being a single woman is a good thing, says Jo Carnegie.
And it’s not an ‘us’ and ‘them’ scenario either...