48 CalmMoment.comwellness
“Single people use their time really well,” says
Dolan. “There is some pretty robust evidence
that single people are more likely to foster social
connections that bring them fulfilment.” Single
people, he explains, are also more likely to do
things like volunteering for charities. “Social
connectedness is linked to happiness so this
might go a long way towards explaining why
single people aren’t as miserable as many people
would imagine (or want) them to be.”
“I still get the ‘I’m sure the right guy will come
along soon’ comments, but I’ve learned to laugh
them off,” says Sarah, a writer. “I’m 40 this year
and I’m healthy, happy and fulfilled in what I do.
I have so many amazing friends and never feel like
something is missing. If I do meet someone then
great, but they can be just one of the many sugar
sprinkles on my sweet cake of a life.”
I feel the same as Sarah: I’m not ‘off men’ or
closed to having a relationship. It’s just not a
pressing concern in my life right now. I would far
rather spend my time planning and booking my
next trip to India, than spending hours online
trying to meet someone. Plus, being single doesn’t
automatically mean you are alone. I have lots of
people in my life even if I don’t share a bed withthem every night. I do get lonely sometimes, but
I know married friends who feel lonely. Loneliness
can be a normal part of life, whatever your set-up.
“We all need relationships and some degree of
intimacy,” says Dolan. “But we can share those
moments with friends and family, we don’t have
to be married to do that.”
I’ve never wanted my own children, which can
still come as a surprise to people. At the moment
single women are often described in binary terms:
‘childless’ – which implies you are lacking
something – and the more widely used ‘child-free’
which implies that we have somehow escaped from
the burden of motherhood. Why can’t we just state
the facts: that we’re single and don’t have any kids?
Because no matter how neutrally you put it, a
single woman with no children can still incite a
reaction. Or, as Three Women author Lisa Taddeo
said recently: “We are afraid of women getting out
of their boxes. It confuses our place in the world.”
The great thing is that we are getting out of our
boxes. And it’s not just the ones choosing the
single, no-kids route. The landscape is being
rewritten for all women: women choosing to have
kids later; women choosing to go travelling; or go
back into education; or start their own businesses;
or have multiple careers. We are living longer and
have more choice than ever before. Unlike previous
generations, we are not defined by whether we’re
married with children, in the same way that
married mums aren’t just a wife or mother.
It’s also important to remember that life is in
constant flux: marriages don’t always last and
we don’t have to stay single forever. There are
positives and negatives for both, as well as lots
of common ground – it’s not an ‘us’ and ‘them’
scenario. Just as marriage and partnerships
have always been revered and aspired to,
singledom should be celebrated as a natural and
rich part of life and not something to be feared
or embarrassed about. We don’t have to explain or
defend our choices. It’s liberating to walk a new
path with no set rules – and judging by the
current trend, it’s something that will only
continue to grow.
“There are an increasing number of women
living single lives,” says Paul Dolan. “The key
message is that we need to become more
accepting of the myriad ways in which different
people can be differently happy.”Single people are more
likely to treasure, and work
on, social connections
that bring them joy.