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68 | CANADIAN LIVING OCTOBER 2019ILLUSTRATION,^SHUTTERSTOCKLiza
Registered psychotherapist Liza
Finlay answers her most-asked
questions about relationships.It is an impossible situation, and I think that’s the point. I
always ask myself what the person who is exhitibing a certain
behaviour gets out of it. What's its usefulness? What purpose does
that behaviour serve? The answer to that question gets us to the
goal. So, by putting you in this double bind, what does your father
accomplish? Power? Control? Superiority? You know your father
best so you will know how best to answer this question.
WHY BOTHER? In a word: forgiveness. And please understand that
finding the path to forgiveness does not mean that you are wrong
to feel the way you do. Forgiveness does not absolve your father
of wrongdoing; it does, however, release you from the hurt and take
away his power to continue to inflict harm. Remember that forgive-
ness is for you, not for him.
HERE’S HOW IT WORKS: Consider why your father acts the way
he does. Forgiving isn’t about learning to be OK with your abuser’s
actions, but rather about understanding how he came to do what
he did. If you can understand, then you can let it go. Your father
may continue to act in the same way, but you won’t see it in the
same way. You will begin to see his actions through a lens of com-
passion or pity—and you will be free.I was raised by a
very authoritar-
ian father. It wasn’t
just, “What I say
goes,” but also,
“What I believe
goes.” If Dad is con-
servative, then we
should be, too. It isn’t
just that he believes
he is right about
everything—which is
annoying—but it’s
that if you don’t fall
in line with his beliefs
then you are ostra-
cized and treated like
you’ve betrayed him,
which is terrifying
even now, when I’m
a grown woman.
I feel like I’ve been
put in an impossible
situation.
— ERIN, VANCOUVERDEAR
Q
- LISTEN MORE, talk less.
- ASK QUESTIONS that get to the feelings
underlying the issue (“Help me understand what’s
going on with you”). - BE ACCOUNTABLE for your part (if your partner
is being defensive, for example, maybe you are
attacking), which opens the door for your mate to do
the same. - Move into PROBLEM SOLVING (“What I’d like
is for you to listen for a few minutes”).
TIPS FOR TRULY PRODUCTIVE
CONVERSATIONS
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