A
For what it’s worth, you aren’t alone. I hear this a lot! Here’s what
my spidey sense is telling me: you say vent, he hears blame. I’m not
suggesting that you are, in fact, blaming him; what I am saying is that he
is behaving defensively because he is perceiving an attack.
In the field of psychology, we have a lot of fancy words for common-sense
phenomena. Here’s one for you: phenomenology, a million-dollar word to
sum up what we all intuitively know—that we all interpret situations through
the viewpoint of our own experiences. Which, of course, means that we
interpret things differently.EMBRACING THIS CONCEPT IS
A GAME-CHANGER. NOW YOU
ARE HAVING AN ENTIRELY NEW
CON VERSATION. INSTEAD OF IT
SOUNDING LIKE THIS:
YOU: “You just wouldn’t believe
the day I had. All I did was pick
up messes.”HIM: “If you don’t like what’s hap-
pening in your life, change it. Get a
job. Or suck it up. You chose this!”YOU: “Don’t you think I know
that? Is it too much to ask for a
little support?”HIM: “Support? What do you think
I’m doing? Why do you think I work
so hard? Would you like to change
places with me?”YOU: “I didn’t say that. I know you
work hard. But I’d like to be appre-
ciated for what I contribute.”HIM: “Ok, I appreciate all you do.
Are we done now?”IT COULD SOUND LIKE THIS:
YOU: “Am I doing something to make
you feel blamed or attacked? Because
that’s not my intention.”HIM: “Yes! You complain, I offer sug-
gestions, and you don’t do anything.
What else am I supposed to do?”YOU: “Nothing. I’m not looking for you
to solve my issues. I was just venting.”HIM: “But when you’re unhappy, I
feel like I should do something. I
made a vow to love and protect you.”YOU: “And you feel like you’re failing
at that? (Hug.) Not at all. I’m just
looking for a sympathetic ear. And
you’re my best friend, the person
I turn to when I need to unload.”HIM: “So what should I do?”
YOU: “Listen. Know I’m not blam ing
you. And for my part, I’ll soften my
tone and change my language so you
know that.”QMy partner and
I seem to have
the same fight over
and over again. We
made the decision
that I would stay
home while the kids
were young and he
would continue to
work. But whenever
I vent about my day,
he throws that
decision in my face,
saying, “You’re the
one who said you
wanted to do this!”
Or, “Then go get a
job!” I feel like he’s
just trying to shut me
up. I feel so lonely.
— ASHA, OTTAWALIZA FINLAY IS A REGISTERED
PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND AUTHOR
OF LOST & FOUND: THE SPIRITUAL
JOURNEY OF WOMEN AT MIDLIFE.CANADIAN LIVING OCTOBER 2019 | 69