Section:GDN 1J PaGe:1 Edition Date:190907 Edition:01 Zone: Sent at 6/9/2019 18:03 cYanmaGentaYellowblac
W
hy do people still call it a Tory
“split” on Europe? It’s not
a split: it’s an episiotomy.
The Tory episiotomy on
Europe went septic this
week as Boris Johnson
expelled 21 MPs, including
two former chancellors and
his hero Winston Churchill’s grandson ; lost his own
brother in a tale we’ll call Cain and Far More Able;
and gave a speech so hallucinatorily bad it whiteyed
a policewoman. At the current rate, even Robert Caro
will only need a week to write this Johnson biography.
Then again, Johnson might get a majority, and we’ll
look back on these as the good old days. More on the
prospect of that banter-apocalypse later.
For now, it feels remarkable to think that barely fi ve
weeks ago, the vast majority of Tory MPs were telling
us Johnson was the only possible answer to various
questions. It turns out those questions were: “How
would Dudley Dursley and Draco Malfoy ’s baby look
and behave?”, “What if you shaved the Honey Monster
and put him in a suit for a court appearance?” and “Does
anyone know the ancient Greek for shitting the bed?”.
Despite practising since boyhood, Johnson’s entiredemeanour is that of a man who has won a competition
to lead the country for a day. He is Mike Bassett: England
Prime Minister, yet wheels out jokes he’s done 437 times
before as though he’s Frank Sinatra and reckons the
crowd can’t wait to see him do My Way again. Johnson
must be the only performer whose audience spends his
gigs screaming: PLEASE, DO YOUR NEW STUFF.
Physically, he seems in a remarkable state. Apart from
looking like he cuts his hair with the bacon scissors, the
PM’s shtick is bizarre and juddering, as though some of
his innards are trying to escape. Oratorically, his PMQs
debut merits a mere fi ve-word review: “Welcome to the
Commons, bitch.” As a dispatch box artiste, Johnson
has all the accomplishment of one of those pisshead
chancers who go house to house at 10pm in December
and “carol sing” for pub money. His delivery was that of
a man fi nding out in real time that material which slayed
at the accountancy corporate he did in 2007 is less well
received by those who haven’t drunk themselves to
within an hour of renal failure. I’d give it a fortnight
before Theresa May is waving an ironic “WENGER IN”
banner behind him.
Thursday afternoon found him at
a Yorkshire police academy, where he
appeared deeply confused. He resembledThink this prime minister is toxic? Don’t be so sure Gaby Hinsliff , page 3
The three questions that will decide the general election Jonathan Freedland, page 4
After Dorian, the Bahamas faces an existential threat Sloan Smith, page 5
The Guardian Saturday 7 September 2019
Marina
Hyde
Johnson heads
into the twilight
zone – with a
police escort
Opinion
and ideasBoris Johnson
in West Yorkshire
on Thursday
PHOTOGRAPH:
DANNY LAWSON/PARELEASED BY "What's News" vk.com/wsnws TELEGRAM: t.me/whatsnws