34 new york | december 9–22, 2019
up in conversation, I have nothing kind to
say about them. It’s an inversion of the
popular adage: If I can’t say something
mean, I say nothing at all. I do not pub-
licly engage with or privately enjoy their
work. I steer clear of them at parties and
speak ill of them to mutual friends. I don’t
do these things out of a patriarchal obli-
gation to “protect” my wife. I do them out
of a loving desire to support her. If she
decides that someone is bad, then I trust
her; they are bad. And it is my avowed
duty to help her ruin them, just as it is my
spousalresponsibility tocheerlead her
professional accomplishments or perform
household chores.
Swearing to hate my wife’s enemies has
made me a better, more roundedperson.
Not only does it give me a benchmark for
measuring my loyalty to her, but it’s made
me more resolute in my own beliefs.
Because all the spiting and snubbing of
her foes has shown me how muchcolder I
could be to the people I already didn’t like.
Pointedly ignoring my wife’s nemeses
at parties and bad-mouthing them openly
has given me the courage to takeon ene-
mies of my own. It’s been like training
wheels for hate. I don’t feel compelled to
talk to a friend of a friend who has always
been weird to me just because we’re at the
same social event, nor do I feel compelled
to couch my distaste for that person with
reluctant compliments about his or her
better qualities. If someone I’m working
alongside is consistently aloof,I don’t
have to bend over backward to give that
person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I
think he’s a dick. It’s okay to straight-up
not get along with people sometimes.
I haven’t fully eliminated mypeople-
pleaser gene. (Two weeks ago, I was
talked into buying a Dunkin’ Donuts muf-
fin for a stranger who may have been
homeless or may have just been bold with
a gruff voice. I truly could not tell, and it
felt rude to ask.) But I no longer worry
about being everyone’s favorite every-
thing at every moment. I decline invita-
tions to things I never wanted todo and
was invited to only out of obligation. I’ve
stopped pursuing professional relation-
ships with people who don’t appreciate
my work. And when I encounter people
like that, I at least consider the possibility
that I am good enough the way Iam and
maybe the other person has bad (or
maybe just different, but my wife would
for sure say bad) taste.
I’m not great at having my own ene-
mies, but I do my best. And I don’t worry
too much, because I know that if there are
people who really rub me the wrong way,
my lovely wife will destroy them. ■concert posters, you acquire an increas-
ingly vast assortment of enemies.
Enemies-in-law, to put it more precisely.
Childhood bullies. Estranged best friends.
Snotty adult cousins. Professional neme-
ses. Celebrity grudges. Unaffectionate
neighborhood dogs. These may be your
partner’s enemies, and if you’re devoted,
they’ll become your enemies too.
Not that this happens right away. When
you start dating someone, you don’t have
tohatethe people that person hates. You
canaccept your date’s resentments with-
outmakingthemyourown.Youshow
sympathy when he tells you about his
weird roommate whose video-game chair
monopolizes the living room. You smile
and play along when she won’t watch any
movie starring Joaquin Phoenix because
he has too much of what she calls “chaotic
Scorpio energy.” But as your relationship
broadens and deepens and solidifies,
these enemies become yours. And
whether or not you hated thembefore,
you certainly hate them now.
That’s part of what love is. When the
person you love decides that someone in
the world brings him or her onlyfrustra-
tion and pain, that person is your enemy,
even if that person has always been cool
to you in the past, or you’ve neveractually
met the person, or your partner has never
actually met the person. The more you
love someone, the more ardently you
should feel not just obligated but driven
to destroy the people your loved one
wishes ill.
My wife’s enemies are now mine, and
the rationale doesn’t really matter. Rea-
sons great and small both count, not
equally but heavily. A sampling of these
new enemies includes a friend ofa friend
who came to a party at our apartment and
was moderately unfriendly, a man who
said a sexist thing to my wife in a business
setting, a dog who I’m told barked aggres-
sively at our dog, a former colleague who
isn’t a bad person but is just kindof a lot,
several exes (but not all of them), several
friends’ exes (basically all of them), and
some gross former bosses.
It started with her description of one
friend’s former husband, a gateway
enemy whom I would never meet. I could
comfortably acknowledge he was bad
news without any negative ramifications.
Then there were the people who were
mean to her on the internet, moreactively
annoying but often far away and, again,
safe to dislike from a distance. But as we
grew closer I got to know the fullarray of
professional adversaries, frenemies, and
objects of legitimate disgust.
When these people (or the dog) come
Swearing tohate my wife’senemies hasmade me abetter, morerounded person.intelligencer