m
PEOPLE TO WATCHWhat do you suggest when
you feel like you’ve done
your utmost to live by love
and compassion, but then
jerks out there take the wind out of
your sail and just kind of crush you?Q
mindful
FAQ
Sharon Salzberg is
a meditation teacher,
cofounder of the Insight
Meditation Society,
and New York Times
best-selling author of
Real Love and Real
Happiness.I think it’s always helpful if we
look at our motivation, and if we
feel confident we’re acting from
a place of love and compassion, as much
as we can. The intention behind an action
is a very powerful part of the action. It
behooves all of us to use mindfulness to
truly pay attention to where we’re coming
from. And then, there’s a level of skill in
action if you are trying to communicate
something. Beyond that is a level over
which you don’t have any control. You
really don’t. People will respond, but
we don’t have to define ourselves and
our actions completely by their reac-
tion, because it’s hopeless. If someone
is not responding in an appropriate
way, or even in a kind way, usually we’re
heartbroken. I’m such an idiot. Why do I
always give the wrong thing? Or: They’re
hopeless. They’re just jerks. That’s the
place for equanimity. We do care, but
how much do we care? Are we com-
pletely defined by something we actually
can’t even affect, which is the reaction of
somebody else? Or can we have a sense
of integrity about our actions based on
knowing our motive and that we acted as
skillfully as we could?A
Charles Hargobind leads the
Mindfulness Ambassador
Program, put on by Mind-
fulness Without Borders, in
which he guides high school
seniors through a 12-week
mindfulness training that
includes basic meditation
instruction, techniques
for navigating challenging
emotions, and helping teens
recognize and understand
their internal narratives.
Hargobind is a graduate of
the program, and he found
mindfulness at a particu-
larly painful point in his life.
Hargobind knew he was
gay but was struggling to
come to terms with his iden-
tity. Finally, he came out to
his best friend. “I’m gay,” he
told her. “She’s like, ‘What?
NO. You can’t be, Charles.
Do you know how many
times people have asked me
and I defended you?’”
His parents also were not
immediately accepting of his
news. Isolated and afraid,
his best friend’s words rang
in his ears. No, you can’t be.
“I was in such a dark
place, and I kept lookingfor something to liberate
me in some way. When this
program came into my life,
it gave me the freedom to
stop looking for the light at
the end of the tunnel and
find it within.”
Hargobind sees mindful-
ness working for the teens
he leads. “Week one they’re
hunched over, hoodie on,
arms crossed. By week five,
they’re open and willing to
share their vulnerabilities,
willing to share what is chal-
lenging them in a moment
of anger or happiness, how
they’re relating to that emo-
tion, what their narrative
around that emotion is.”
Hargobind believes
mindfulness can be a life-
line for all youth he works
with, but there’s a special
place in his heart, and in
his work, for at-risk LGBTQ
teens. He says mindfulness
offers something vital. “You
see your mask, you see your
vulnerabilities, and you get
to be with them, whether
that’s happiness, sadness,
anger, joy—you get to honor
those emotions.”Charles Hargobind
MINDFULNESS WITHOUT BORDERSHow Mindfulness Helps You Shed Your Masks:
m mindful.org/hargobindPractice compassion
with Sharon Salzberg at
P mindful.org/compassion-salzberg
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August 2019 mindful 15