[Fifty doesn’t mean what it
used to. We are still fashionable, still
excited; we’re not going to retire and
sit at home and play card games.
These are the women I write about:
my friend Tilda, who got into
cycling to meet men and dragged
me along for the ride (resulting
in an injury for me and an Uber
ride home). About another friend,
Mia, who had a fling with her pool
boy. Or a third, Queenie, who tried
‘cubbing’ ( ie, dating a much young-
er man) and ended up with a house
‘cub’ – her very own live-in younger
lover. Then there are the women
who take up paddleboarding or train
for triathlons – the ‘Super Middles’,
who are like they were before, only
somehow better.
For people like me, post-divorce
is a real time of change and that can
be a great thing. In fact, there are lots
of similarities between this period
and the Sex and the City years of my
thirties – only, when you get to be a
little bit older the highs aren’t quite
so high. But the lows aren’t quite so
low, either: you don’t have the same
youthful despair, when you’re sure
your whole life hinges on one thing.
Which is a relief, because when it
comes to dating, a lot has changed.Now, even when I talk to women
in their thirties who’ve got it all
together, they often haven’t gone on
a date for six months or even a year.
I feel bad telling them how good
dating was back then – there was
actual romance, like walks in the
park and, yes, the odd helicopter
ride. Of course, I know many peo-
ple who have met online – some-
thing like half of relationships start
on a dating app, but we never get
the numbers for how long those
relationships last. There seems to be
less time spent face to face, even
though it’s the big things in rela-
tionships that happen In Real Life:
sex happens IRL, marriage happens
IRL. These things do not happen
on the internet and they do nothappen on apps. There isn’t a lot
of practising for a relationship on
these apps. I certainly thought as
much when I tried Tinder. But it
was addictive. It was like playing
a game, or like being in Las Vegas.
And just like the house, Tinder
always wins. It feels as though men
created these things for themselves.
Women deserve more.
I have always found there is a
heroism in being single, and this is
even more the case in middle age.
When you’re single, you are doing
everything on your own in a society
that is still really designed for
couples. I’ve seen how people’s at-
titudes towards me change when
I’m single, compared to when I
have a boyfriend. People look atyou as if to say: ‘Oh, here’s another
suspicious single woman. Why is
she alone? What’s wrong with her?’
Even when you’re happy being
single, like I was, and you remind
yourself how lucky you are to have
your own space, people still seem
to feel the need to try and set you
up – and often with awful results.
When you’re in a relationship, they
understand who you are and where
you’re coming from – and there’s
no underlying feeling that you have
to explain yourself.
On top of that, we absorb so many
negative messages about ageing – or
at least, I certainly did – which seep
into the way you see yourself. I was
once made to feel vulnerable enough
to be conned into buying a $15,000
face cream. It was hilarious, but also
really, really horrible.
Because the thing you need to
get you through single life in
your fifties is not a multi-thousand-
pound face-cream – it’s the exact
same thing you need when you’re
single in your thirties: your female
friends. The friendships that you
have in your twenties and thirties
naturally change when everyone
gets married and has children. But
when you get divorced, you really
need your friends in that old way
again. Which is why we women are
doing exactly what we did in our
thirties – just hanging out with our
girlfriends. Because whether you’re
Suddenly Samantha or not, you’ll
always need your Charlotte, Miranda
and Carrie. (
As told to Marie-Claire Chappet.
Is There Still Sex in the City? (Little,
Brown, £16.99) by Candace Bushnell
is out now PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES; SHUTTERSTOCKTINDER IS
THE NIGHT
Clockwise from above,
Kim Cattrall as
Samantha Jones, 2010;
Candace with Sarah
Jessica Parker and Chris
Noth, 1995; Candace in
Manhattan, 2004Tatler October 2019 tatler.comBYS TA NDE R
C U LT U R EI tried Tinder. It was addictive, like being inVegas. And like Vegas, the house always wins10-19BYST-CultureCandace.indd 60 09/08/2019 12:50
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