his life, do I think he was maybe beginning to change. The last time I saw him, he was on a business trip, representing
Kenya at an international conference in Europe. I was apprehensive, because we hadn’t spoken for so long. But when
he arrived in Germany he seemed really relaxed, almost peaceful. We had a really good time. You know, even when he
was being completely unreasonable he could be so charming! He took me with him to London, and we stayed in a
fancy hotel, and he introduced me to all his friends at a British club. He was pulling out chairs for me and making a
great fuss, telling all his friends how proud he was of me. On the flight back from London, I noticed a little glass
tumbler his whiskey was being served in, and I said I was going to filch it, and he said, ‘There’s no need for such
things.’ He called the stewardess and asked her to bring me a whole set of the glasses, as if he owned the plane. When
the stewardess handed them to me, I felt like a little girl again. Like his princess.
“On the last day of his visit, he took me to lunch, and we talked about the future. He asked me if I needed money and
insisted that I take something. He told me that once I returned to Kenya, he would find me a proper husband. It was
touching, you know, what he was trying to do...as if he could make up for all the lost time. By then, he had just
fathered another son, George, with a young woman he was living with. So I told him, ‘Roy and myself, we’re already
adults. We have our own ways, our own memories, and what has happened between all of us is hard to undo. But with
George, the baby, he is a clean slate. You have a chance to really do right by him.’ And he just nodded, as if...as if...”
For some time, Auma had been staring at our father’s photograph, soft-focused in the dim light. Now she stood up and
went to the window, her back turned to me. She was clutching herself, her hands inching over her hunched shoulders.
She began to shake violently, and I came up behind her and put my arms around her as she wept, the sorrow washing
through her in slow, deep waves. “Do you see, Barack?” she said between sobs. “I was just starting to know him. It was
just getting to the point where...where he might have explained himself. Sometimes I think he might have really turned
the corner, found some inner peace. When he died, I felt so...so cheated. As cheated as you must have felt.”
Outside, a car screeched around a corner; a solitary man crossed under the yellow circle of a streetlight. As if by force
of will, Auma’s body suddenly straightened, her breath steadied, and she wiped her eyes with her shirtsleeve. “Ah, look
at what you’ve made your sister do,” she said, and let out a fragile laugh. She turned to me. “You know, the Old Man
used to talk about you so much! He would show off your picture to everybody and tell us how well you were doing in
school. I guess your mum and him used to exchange letters. I think those letters really comforted him. During the really
bad times, when everybody seemed to have turned against him, he would bring her letters into my room and start
reading them out loud. He would wake me up and make me listen, and when he was finished, he would shake the letter
in his hand and say how kind your mum had been. ‘You see!’ he would say. ‘At least there are people who truly care
for me.’ He’d say this to himself over and over again....”
While Auma brushed her teeth, I prepared the convertible sofa for her. Soon she was curled up under a blanket, sound
asleep. But I remained awake, propped up in a chair with the desk light on, looking at the stillness of her face, listening
to the rhythm of her breathing, trying to make some sense out of all that she’d said. I felt as if my world had been
turned on its head; as if I had woken up to find a blue sun in the yellow sky, or heard animals speaking like men. All
my life, I had carried a single image of my father, one that I had sometimes rebelled against but had never questioned,
one that I had later tried to take as my own. The brilliant scholar, the generous friend, the upstanding leader-my father
had been all those things. All those things and more, because except for that one brief visit in Hawaii, he had never
barré
(Barré)
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