a
“I was the MOH
in a friend’s
wedding, and
when we got to
the dance floor,
we found out that
the bride’s dress
had a bustle
that didn’t work.
I borrowed
scissors from the
caterers and
cut off her tulle
train! Brilliant
or sabotage?”
—LIZ, 32“My friend,
the bride, was
so stressed that
she snapped at
a bridesmaid
who said she was
uncomfortable
wearing so
much makeup.
The bridesmaid
cried. Then the
bride cried.
I wanted to cry...
for myself.”
—IRIS, 29“I was in a
wedding where
the bride
assigned us
dresses ‘by body
type’....I ended
up in a shift
dress that looked
like a box.”
—KATHERINE, 31“My aunt passed
away right before
my (former) best
friend’s bach-
elorette party. I
went, but she told
me she didn’t like
how quiet I was.”
—BROOKE, 31“I was a brides-
maid in my
sister’s wed-
ding. During my
speech, I backed
up into a row
of candles and
nearly lit myself
on fire. I don’t
think anyone
remembers a
word I said.”
—J ESS, 27“I was getting
ready to walk
down the aisle
for my friend and
joked about
where to hold
the bouquet.
‘Over the vag-
ines!’ I said, in
a stage whisper
(I’d had some
champs, okay?).
The groom’s con-
servative parents
were appalled.”
—LAUREN, 29Bridesmaid horror stories
“I was a maid of
honor at a wed-
ding with a cash
bar, which was
fine because
the bride didn’t
want anyone in
her bridal party
to drink! She
actually told the
bartenders not
to serve us. All
in all, it was an
expensive and
joyless event.
—ANNA, 34s a teenager, I
had this fantasy:
Me + my ninth
grade Spanish partner, Thomas
+ our wedding = best day ever.
There was a big white dress, an
all-night dance party, and mid-
night fireworks (clearly, my day-
dreams weren’t on a budget). But
no bridesmaids. Ever.
My actual big day—February
16, 2019—also didn’t include
any bridesmaids (or Thomas;
sorry, Thomas!). And I don’t
regret it. In fact, that’s probably
the best decision I made (don’t
tell my husband).
Some cold hard facts: The
average cost of being in a wed-
ding party has ballooned to
$1,200. And a lot of people are
having to shell out that kind of
cash—one bride recently went
viral for having 34 ride-or-dies by
her side. THIRTY. FREAKING.
FOUR. I’ll do the math for you:
That’s $40,800 spent on gifts,
party swag (penis straws cost
money, guys), travel, and clothes.
And then there’s the added
burden of all your free time being
wrapped up in someone else’s
big day or dealing with the
bride’s random friend who just
won’t pay for their share of thebachelorette—or maybe worse,
forces you to drop hundos
because she ordered 10,000
drinks when everyone else had 2
and you know you’re all gonna
have to split the bill evenly. (Hi,
that should be a crime.)
I’m also super aware of how
terrible the whole situation can
be because I co-run the Instagram
account @HeyLadiesBook, where
we post nightmarish wedding sto-
ries, many of the bridesmaid vari-
ety. Like, did you know someone
recently asked their ‘maids to
wear dresses that look like
vulvas? It’s true, look it up!
After watching so many
friends go through this for other
couples, I knew I’d rather do the
whole thing solo than ask them to
do the same for me.L u c k il y, my p e o p l e we re l ow -
key thrilled. My friend Karyne lit-
e ra l l y l a u g h e d in my f a c e w h e n I
asked if she was sad she wasn’t a
bridesmaid. “It’s way more fun to
celebrate from the cheap seats,”
she said. And TBH, who’s able to
c h ow d ow n a t c o c k t ail h o u r
when they’re given random tasks
like “entertain my great aunt” or
“set up all 152 place cards,
please.” Not the women in
matching dresses, that’s for sure.
Brides, listen: You can still ask
your friends to do all the pre-
wedding things. I had my friend
Christine take me thrifting for the
c a n d l e s t i c k s we us e d a t my c e re -
mony, and we spent an evening
making dance-floor decor.
Another friend, Lora, didn’t have
bridesmaids but invited her BFFs
to stop by her bridal suite for
lunch the day of. A casual dream
for everyone involved—no extra
$1,20 0 re quire d.Know what you
can’t do when
you’re a ‘maid?
Cocktail hour.The average
cost of being
in a wedding
party is now$^1 ,^200
October 2019 Cosmopolitan 109FRO
M^
LEF
T:^
EV
ER
ETT
CO
LLE
CT
IO
N;
AD
OB
E^ S
TO
CK
.