1
THE SAUCE
BBQ
THE BOY
Say hello to the self-
perceived gentleman who
calls you baby, sweet-
heart, and girl. He even
compliments your hair on
its fifth day of dry sham-
p o o! S a d l y, h e’s d o i n g t h e
same for the five other
unsaved numbers he’s
texting. Womp.2
THE SAUCE
GARLIC AIOLI
THE BOY
You stan a guy who
enjoys the finer things in
life, but just like your try-
hard mayo, don’t be
surprised when his card is
declined at the Michelin-
star restaurant he
suggested. TL;DR: He
reeks of BME (Billy
McFarland Energy).3
THE SAUCE
S WE E T
AND SOUR
THE BOY
His friends would never
know he sends you daily
G M t e x t s o r t h a t y o u’r e
looking for an apartment
together because, well,
they don’t know you exist.
Like this two-in-one sauce,
he sucks with them; he’s
great with you...but yes,
he should be gone.4
THE SAUCE
HOT SAUCE
THE BOY
If you leave him on read
after he hit you with an
“ok,” get ready for a
shady subtweet quoting
JB’s lyrics: “My momma
don’t like you, and she
likes everyone.” The burn
is subtle, but it’s a burn.5
THE SAUCE
HONEY
MUSTARD
THE BOY
H e t r i e s t o c o nv i n c e y o u
t h a t i t ’s y o u r f a u l t h e l e f t a
flame emoji on his
ex-girlfriend’s thirst trap
but buys you flowers the
next day “just because.”
You: supes confused by
his sweet but tangy
behavior.6
THE SAUCE
RANCH
THE BOY
He is dependable and
charming and tastes good
in every situation...until
you send a text with no
reply and realize you’ve
fallen for the most com-
mon flavor, er, behavior
once again. #Ghosted.7
THE SAUCE
MAYO +
KETCHUP
THE BOY
He’s in errrbody’s
DMs: your best friend’s,
sister’s, first grade
teacher’s. Basically, he
doesn’t have a type and
wouldn’t know how to
DT R e v e n i f h e u n d e r s t o o d
the acronym.8
THE SAUCE
MAYO
THE BOY
So maybe he doesn’t
con people into pyramid
schemes, but he leaves a
b l a h t a s t e i n y o u r m o u t h.
You carry the convos and
bring the flavored lube—
laziness is low-key evil.9
THE SAUCE
SPECIAL SAUCE
THE BOY
He legit never discloses
information about
himself (like, why are u
orange?). You still don’t
know whether he’s
actually Ted Bundy.Can’t
stop,
won’t
stop, but
probs
should
stop.1 3 4 5 6 7 8 92oDt’nende
a
crys
ta
lballwh
enyou’vegotsaucep
ack
ets
.you
16 Cosmopolitan October 2019