COSMOPOLITAN · 123“Does this guy actually like me,
or does he just want sex?” My
friend V was showing me her
text history with a man she’d
just met. I sighed and asked
how on earth I would know.
“Because you’re a slut,” she
replied matter-of-factly. She’d
given up trying to reform my
behaviour and had started using
me as a double agent instead,
cracking bro code for her.
She’sright– ina way.Ihave
sleptwitha lotofwomen.
Andbya lot,I mean100...or
so.Youkindoflosecountafter
a while.I gottosexlate– I was
quitescaredofit asa teen– and
lostmyvirginityat18.ButI
morethanmadeupforit inmy
twenties.I wasanactor
then,dewy-skinned
andpretty– hardto
believenow,being
a perpetuallytired
38-year-oldwriterwith
a facelikedropped
blancmange.I loved
beingwildandopen
toopportunity.
Monogamystruckme
asboringandunrealistic.
I learnedtoneverjudgea
bookbyitscover.Someofthe
most socially awkward, bookish
types I met turned out to be
hellcats under the covers. Others
with highly sexual personae
had hang-ups in the sack like
everyone else. Some encounters
were erotically sublime – yet
most were inept, box-tickingly
empty, or blended into one
another. I remember being in
a bedroom with a girl during a
party, both so desperate that we
attempted to fashion a condom
from the plastic wrap of some
hung-up dry-cleaning. Do not
try that at home. I even had a
few threesomes, but they can
get complicated. During this
time, as I bed-hopped my wayaround, another friend observed:
“It’s like you’re trying to make
the whole world love you, one
person at a time.” My lack of
self-worth was evident to all
those around me. Pride melted
into embarrassment.
Sleeping with lots of people
is a great way to discover what
you like. But to know who you
are, nothing compares to a real
relationship with someone you
appreciate for reasons beyond
thephysical. Someone who
knowsthe childhood forces
thatshaped you, and how you
likeyourtoast. These were the
qualitiesI appreciated in my
twofive-year relationships.
Is monogamy natural? We’ve
championed it for
centuries, but now
personal freedom is
our god, I don’t think
sexual exclusivity is a
deal-breaker. I know
monogamous couples
with no respect and bad
communication, and
others in polyamorous
relationships that are
builtonthose values.
Anothersurprise has been that
desireebbs and flows, not just
in monogamous partnerships.
Single again, I am not out
fulfilling my sexual appetite
every night – and nor would I
want to. I spend most weekends
alone, browsing floor rugs and
gently misting my cheese plant.
Most of my friends have kids.
They envy my freedom, I envy
their family. If I partner up
again, it’ll be with just one
person. When it comes to
choosing how you conduct
your life and relationships,
the only rule is that you’ll
have regrets whatever your
choices. And that’s OK.
Rhik Samadder’s debut memoir, I
Never Said I Loved You, is out nowWHAT I’VE
LEARNED
ABOUT
MONOGAMY...
from
sleeping
with 100
women
Writer Rhik Samadder explains
why his sexual conquests make
him envy his settled friends
“My lack of
self-worth
was
evident”