66 ·^ COSMOPOLITAN
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WORDS CLARE THORP. *ACCORDING TOTHE WALL STREET JOURNAL.†JOHN LEES IS THE AUTHOR OFSECRETS OF RESILIENT PEOPLE.PHOTOGRAPHS AGATA PEC. PROP DESIGN JESSICA LOCKETT. CALLIGRAPHY FAY AL NAJJAR“Somebody who sees the
value you’re adding but can
also say how you’re seen by
other people, how you’re
making an impact and
what opportunities you’re
missing.” Outside of formal
feedback, Naeema Pasha,
director of careers at Henley
Business School, suggests
creating your own personal
boardroom – a small group
of people you trust and
admire to share ideas and
brainstorm problems with.
HOW TO ASK
Think that flight
to Glasgow with
your boss for a conference
is the perfect time to find
out what they think of
you? It’s not. No one likes
surprises. “Never blindside
someone,” says Matthews.
“Plan the conversation, or
you could get empty advice.”
And don’t ask for it over
email – something could
get misconstrued. Lees even
recommends avoiding the
“F-word” altogether: “People
who ask for feedback are
often presenting problems.”
Go in sounding like you’ve
got solutions. “Saying, ‘I’ve
been thinking about how
I can develop my role,’ will
fly much better than, ‘I’m
feeling dissatisfied – can I
ask what you think of me?’”
he says. And be specific.
Say: “Could you suggest one
thing I could try?” You’ll
end up with information
you can work with.
DON’T GET
OFFENDED
Asking for
feedback is one thing,
stopping your bottom lip
from wobbling as your
performance is picked apart
is another. “It’s important to
separate fact from feeling,”
says Lees. If the emotional
fog descends, take some
notes, then go away and
think about what was said.
Try to focus on how you
can grow – not how it made
you feel. “The worst thing
you can do is get defensive,”
Lees adds. Remember that
feedback isn’t a personal
attack, but a sign someone
wants you to progress.
See it as a chance to moveforward. How you react to
feedback is important, too.
By saying, “I hear you, can
you give me an example
of something I could do
differently?” you sound
able to learn and adapt,
which will impress.WHEN NOT
TO ASK FOR IT
It sucks to be told
you’re doing a bad job, and
if you’re feeling at all down,
the slightest criticism,
however constructive, couldshatter your self-esteem and
do more harm than good.
“Never ask if you’re feeling
vulnerable,” says Matthews.
“You’re inviting comments
you can’t anticipate, and
you might unwittingly be
given feedback that is more
damaging than helpful.”
If you’re feeling wobbly,
turn to friends for some
cheerleading and, once
you’re feeling more robust,
ask for the conversation.FEEDBACK
TO IGNORE
Sheryl Sandberg
might have called feedback
“a gift”, but sometimes that
gift is like the pair of novelty
socks your uncle gives you
for Christmas every year –
unnecessary and unwanted.
The biggest red flag is
when the focus is on your
personality, rather than
your actions. “If someone
says something that really
doesn’t fit in with your
values, and they don’t have
context for it, sometimes
you have to trust your own
beliefs,” says Pasha. Cross-
check it with someone else
you trust, suggests Lees: “Get
feedback on the feedback.
Work out how much of it
is somebody else’s agenda
and what, if anything, is left
for you to work with.” ◆