Reader’s Digestreadersdigest.co.in 232
As you slowly inhale, count five
people you’ve broken up with at
some point in your life, and feel your-
self grow increasingly convinced that
each of those relationships was your
only chance for genuine contentment.
Try to go as far back into your past as
possible. Middle school is ideal.3
Hold your breath for as long as
you possibly can, like you did this
morning on the phone with Air Canada
as you confirmed for the ninth time
that they do offer vegan meals on the
flight to Rome you’re taking three
months from now.4
As you exhale, count five times
you breezily addressed various
co-workers with an inexplicable nick-
name you concocted on the spot (like
when you called the guy who hired
you ‘Rickdiculous’), accompanied,
obviously, by double-finger guns.
Recall that those interactions were
objectively horrifying for everyone
involved. Feel the red-hot shame
radiating throughout your body,
leaving no cell untouched.5
Focus on the sensation of your
lungs filling up from deep within
your chest. If visualization helps,
picture the sloowww expansion of your
inbox as it fills up with urgent, time-
sensitive messages while you do
nothing about it and everyone grows
furious about your silence.6
Once your breathing settles into a
steady rhythm and then quickly
returns to a jagged pattern of shallow
gasps, you may find you want to close
your eyes. You may find a lot of things,
though! Like love, or professional
fulfillment! But honestly, it’s highly
unlikely. You missed your chance with
Algebra Sean way back in class 8, but
at least your super useful PhD in
medieval literature landed you a
permanent position within the
hallowed halls of Koffee Hut.7
During meditation, your mind
may fill with thoughts about
that health check-up you need to book
(OH, GOD) and your 400 per cent
certainty that the doctor will discover
triple-Ebola in both of your shins.
Simply take a moment to acknowledge
each thought as it arrives, and then
give in and let it consume you whole
because, who are we kidding?8
Gradually return your focus to your
surroundings. More specifically,
the stacks of random papers all over
your apartment, representing a vague
attempt at starting your taxes. It’s
almost certain you’ll be audited. By the
government. Not just this government,
either. By all the governments. In the
world. Probably tomorrow.9
Over time, try to extend your
meditation into a longer practice,
for some reason.