readersdigest.co.in 41Circle Connections. To boost their con-
fidence, she says, they should remind
themselves that they have the qualifi-
cations necessary to do their job. Then
they should decide on the best course
of action. That could mean finding an
ally who will support their point of view
in the next meeting. It could also mean
approaching the bully privately and
gently telling them that their behaviour
isn’t productive. Kudla recommends
emphasizing that “your projects are
important to both of you, and if you’re
going to be successful, you need to be
working towards a common goal.”
Dealing with bullies in our personal
lives can be harder, because the cir-
cumstances are often complicated by
love or a sense of duty. Nonetheless,
calling out a bully can be an important
step in neutralizing their behaviour.
Instead of accusing someone with
a “you always do this”, Balasundaram
recommends flipping the phrase
around and using ‘I’-messages: Begin
by taking onus of your feelings (“I feel
really upset”), tell them specifically
when this feeling arose (“When you
are late”) and give them a solution
(“Next time give me a buzz so I don’t
leave the office early”). If repeated
attempts at communication don’t
bring about a change in behaviour,
it’s a good sign that you should sever
ties—the perpetrator isn’t respecting
boundaries and feelings, and the
relationship may be irreparable.
Overall, experts encourage allowing
bullies to explain themselves: “You can
be empathetic, but still assertive,” says
Balasundaram. “You can avoid being
aggressive without being submissive.
If you’re aggressive, there will likely be
an ego clash, and if you’re submissive
you’re giving them what they want.” If
you can give a bully the attention they
need in a mature way, she says, then it
is helpful in the long term.
“Bullies may need to be firmly told
that their behaviour is unacceptable. If
they get it and modify their actions,
one could let go of the matter,” says
Anant. On the other hand, “if they
persist, especially with the intent to
control and subjugate, one may decide
to cut down on their interaction with
the bully,” she adds.Better LivingCALLING OUT
A BULLY IS AN
IMPORTANT STEP
IN NEUTRALIZING
THEIR BEHAVIOUR.