2019-10-01_Australian_Womens_Weekly_NZ

28 The Australian Women’s Weekly | OCTOBER 2019

abouttheindividualandmoreabout
thecommunity.“‘WhoamI connected
to?WhodoI represent?WhodoI
carrywithme?’”Petrasays.“Itgoes
intothedeepsenseofplacethatcomes
withMa ̄ori,”Judisays.Thatspiritof
thelandis somethingweallshare,
shebelieves,andlearningthenative
languageof Aotearoahasonly
heightenedthesenseofbelongingshe
feelsasa NewZealander.
PelorusBridgein Marlboroughwas
whereJudi’sgrandfatheroncebuiltthe
familyhomesteadandranhisown
timbermill,andshewasthrilledto
learnitsbeautifulMa ̄oriname:Te
Hoiere.“It’ssoexcitingtome!I am
theriverandtheriveris me– I belong
totheriver,it’stheplaceI feelat one
with.Soforme,thejoyof TeReoand
thejourneywasunderstandingthe
connectionsandthefeelingandthe
belongingofmyland,mywhakapapa.
BecauseI’vealwaysfeltit wasmy
place,sinceI wasa child.”
“Doesit boilevenfurtherdownto an
innateneedwehaveto belongandto
connect?”Petrasays.“Wedesperately
desireintimacy,andit seemstobethe
hardestthing,becauseit’ssucha
vulnerableplace,tobeknownandto
beunderstood.Anda healthyfamily
canofferquitea goodversionofthat

• wealldesperatelydesiretobelong.”
  TribalcultureslikeMa ̄oriseemto
  havea greaterappreciationforthe
  strengthofcommunity.“Itcomes
  downtowhatwevalue,”Petrasays.
  “Ourcurrentculturalsystemsaysthat
  havinga lotof moneyandthenbeing
  ableto getawayfromeveryoneis very
  valuable.If youcanhavea bighouse,
  withhighwallsandgates,andto be
  ableto goawayonholidayandnotbe
  botheredbyanybody,if youcanbe
  completelyindependentandnotneed
  anyonebecauseyoucanjustbuy
  everything,that’s‘success’.Well,I’dsay
  manyculturesaroundtheworldwould
  callthattheantithesisof success.”
  Bringingmultiplegenerationsof
  familytogetherunderoneroof,
  particularlywhentheoldergeneration
  is havinghealthdifficulties,is another
  culturalmodelthatMa ̄oriareoften
  celebratedfor.It’salsoabouttobecome
  a realityforPetra’sfamily,asJudiand
  Daniellooktomovein withPetra,
  Hamishandtheirthreechildren.
  Ageingisn’taneasyprocessforany
  ofus,andin AprilthisyearDaniel
  suffereda seriesofhealthevents–
  includinga badfallanda second
  stroke– thathavelefta lastingimpact
  onbothhisandJudi’slife.Henow
  walkswitha caneandis adjustingto
  lifewithouthisdriver’slicence.
  Inmanyways,therippleeffects
  ofthepastyeararestillmaking
  themselvesknown.“IsupposeI
  realisedrecently– veryrecently,
  likelastweek– thatI’vebeen

in denial,” Judi says honestly. “I’ve been

trying to hide it from everyone and

pretend...” she pauses. “Pretend

everything is okay and it’s all just like it

was before,” Petra finishes.

Judi is in the situation so many of us

can relate to – when asked ‘how are

you?’, she’s often at a loss how to

respond. The reality of the situation is

complex and ever-changing; life is quieter

now, and more careful, because it has to

be. So when a long-time work colleague

recently asked Judi how she was, she

made the conscious decision to answer

truthfully. “I found it really helpful – it

made me realise, I’ve got to stop

pretending. Because it’s so massive and it

doesn’t matter how you prepare yourself,

each day or night is a different thing.”

So Judi and Daniel have sold their

house and are in the process of moving

into a rental while they renovate Petra

and Hamish’s garage into an apartment.

Daniel – sense of humour still

fantastically intact – now refers to

himself as a homeless cripple, Petra says.

It has been a challenging time for the

whole family. “It’s very stressful; there’s a

lot of loss,” Judi says. “But it’s not what

happens to you, it’s how you deal with it.

I’m not saying I’m a shining example of

how I’m dealing with it – it is very

challenging – but it’s the truth. Our

family and friends have been amazing –

I couldn’t do this on my own.”

“It’s a bit like learning Ma ̄ori though,

isn’t it, Mum?” Petra says. “Some days

we thought it’s too much, it’s too hard.”

Judi laughs. “Some days towards the

end I was hanging on by the skin of my

teeth... [but] I knew it was bigger than

me. You can’t always see the end, when

you’re in the middle; you’re bogged

down in the here and now. That’s the

process though, isn’t it? Just hanging

in there – we’ve all got to hang in there

on something.”

“Everybody needs people they can

trust, and drop the façade with,” Petra

says. “Because the job of pretending

that everything is okay is emotionally

expensive. And not everything has to

be achieved quickly – some things

are a process.”

“And, thank the Lord, we’re all

going through that process together,”

Judi says. AW W PETRA WEARS, P

25:

DRESS FROM HARRIS TAPPER, JEW

ELLERY PETRA’S OWN; P26 TOP AND PANTS FROM

MINA, EARRING

S ZOE AND MORGAN. P29: T

OP AND SKIRT FROM ZAMBESI, EARRINGS FROM

ZOE & MORGAN, RING PETRA’S OWN. JUDI WEARS,

P25: BL

OUSE FROM TAYLOR, TROUSERS FROM ZARA,

JEWELLERY JUDI’S OWN;

P29:

DRESS AND C

OAT FROM ZAMBESI, JEWELLERY JUDI’S OWN

Exclusive

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: Petra presenting

the 1998 NZ Music Awards with her Ice

TV co-hosts; visiting Lebanon last year in

her role as Tearfund NZ ambassador;

Breakfast with Corin Dann in 2011.