Daily Mirror - 26.08.2019

(^32) DAILY MIRROR MONDAY 26.08.2019
DM1ST
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LOVE
FAC T
DEAR COLEEN
Britain’s most straight-talking problem page
[email protected]
FEUD MEANS I CAN’T SEE GRANDSON
Dear Coleen
When my husband and I got divorced
13 years ago our youngest daughter,
who was 17 at the time, took it very
badly and sided with her father.
I had met somebody else and so
she saw me as the reason the
marriage had broken up.
We had repeated fallings out and
four years ago she cut me out of her
life for good. She didn’t invite me to
her wedding and now I’ve heard,
through my elder daughter, that she’s
had a baby boy. I haven’t been able to
sleep since. My other daughter has
two girls who I see regularly and
adore, and it breaks my heart that I
have a grandson I’ve never met.
I know where my youngest
daughter lives and I want to go round
there and try to see my grandson.
My other daughter thinks I need to
tread carefully, but surely I have
grandparent rights?
Coleen says
I think the law has changed
regarding grandparent access, so
you could get some legal advice. But
if it was my daughter, I’d go round
there with a white flag.
Let go of any anger about the
past, and sit down and talk to her
before you start getting solicitors
involved. I’d beg her to talk and
explain that by not doing so you’re
all missing out. If she brings up the
past, before you jump in to give your
side of the argument, actually listen
to what she’s saying. And then give
your answers calmly.
Families often row and say all
kinds of things, but when it’s your
children and grandchildren
sometimes you’ve got to swallow
your pride a little bit.
That doesn’t mean you have to go
round there and agree with her
about everything. But rather tell her
you’re sorry about the past, and
that you’d like to make amends and
be a part of her future.
You never know, she may be
missing you more than ever now
she’s become a mum herself but she
may not know quite how to reach
out to you. So make the first move
and ask her how you can move
forward and have some kind of a
relationship. Good luck, I really hope
it all works out for you.
MY HUSBAND
IS STILL IN HIS
EX-WIFE’S LIFE
Dear Coleen
I met my husband four years ago.
We were both in our mid-forties and
divorced with similar aged children.
My ex wasn’t particularly nice so
we’re not really in touch, other than
to discuss things related to the
children. My husband however is in
constant touch with his ex and it’s
doing my head in. They get together
for family lunches and he even went
to his ex-mother-in-law’s 70th
birthday lunch recently.
He invited me along but I didn’t
want to go as I think it’s weird. I’ve
tried talking to him about this and
he says he has no ill feeling towards
his ex wife and that he wants to stay
on friendly terms with her for the
sake of their children.
Am I being unreasonable?
Coleen says
I do kind of get it: that was his past
and you’re his future. But I think
it’s lovely when parents can
co-parent in an amicable way.
Ultimately, he’s with you. If there
were still feelings between them
he’d be with her.
And he invited you to the lunch,
so it’s not like he’s trying to go off
and see her on his own. He wants
you to be a part of their friendship.
You chose not to go, so you
made it an issue, not him.
I’m good friends with both my ex
husbands, so I get where your
husband is coming from. You’ve
had kids together and so you want
to be in each other’s lives if you
can do it nicely. You like them, but
there’s no feeling of love any more.
I think the issue here is your own
self esteem and trust. You need to
work on that sense of security.
You’ve got a great man, so start
involving yourself rather than
seeing her as an enemy.
Britain has
the joint
highest
divorce rate in
Europe along with
Finland, says a
survey compiled by
the EU’s Eurostat
statistical office
in Luxembourg.
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EMAIL: [email protected]
WRITE TO: Coleen Nolan, The Daily Mirror, One Canada Square, London E14 5AP.

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I’ve told hubby over and

over, it’s me or the drink

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have been married

since our early 20s and we have three

children who have now grown up and

left home.

My husband has always been a big

drinker, but it’s definitely got worse in

the last 10 years.

I’ve asked him to cut back, and he’ll

say all the right things but he never

does so.

He usually goes out most nights and

despite saying he’s only popping for a

pint, he comes home six hours later

steaming drunk.

On a Saturday or Sunday he’ll “pop”

to his local and again, despite saying

he’s going for a quick pint, he’ll stay

there all day.

I feel so lonely in our marriage

because he’s either at the pub, drunk

in an armchair or sleeping off a

hangover. We never go out and do

anything enjoyable.

And there have been times I’ve felt

embarrassed over how drunk he gets

in front of our friends and family.

In the last year I’ve told him

repeatedly that it’s me or the drink, but

he doesn’t think that he has a problem.

Should l leave him?

Coleen says

I think you’ve got to show him you’re

serious. At the moment you’re saying,

“It’s me or the drink”, but you’re still

there when he finally comes home

from the pub.

Do you have good friends that you

could stay with for a few days? Or

maybe one of your kids?

That way you’re showing your

husband you’re serious about what you

say. Tell him straight that you’re taking

a few days away when you’re going to

think about whether you still want to

be in the marriage.

And that while he doesn’t think his

drinking is a problem, it’s driving a

wedge between you both and leaving

little time in your marriage for any

enjoyment for you as

a couple.

Yo u h av e t o a s k

yourself, what

exactly is he bringing

to this marriage?

What exactly are

you staying married for? If it’s because

you love him, then use this break away

as a chance to figure out how things

can change going forwards.

But if it doesn’t shock him into

cutting right back on his drinking, then

I’m sorry to say I don’t think you have

much of a marriage left to save.

You could put up with it and still be

in the same situation in five, 10, 15

years time. Or you could make a

decision to spend those years perhaps

more enjoyably.

He’s either in the

pub or sleeping

off a hangover