The Daily Telegraph - 29.08.2019

E

very morning when

we say goodbye to our

children at the school

gate, we send them off

on a perilous journey.

For most kids, concerns

about homework, tests and lost PE

kits pale into significance compared

with their real worries: is the row

that spilt out on Snapchat last night

going to keep going? Who will they

sit with at lunch?

It is fears like these that make our

children the unhappiest they have

been for almost 25 years, according

to a new report from The Children’s

Society, which found that a lack of

good friendships is a key cause.

Indeed England has the worst

record for cyber bullying globally,

with 13.9 per cent of head teachers

reporting that their pupils had been

subject to malicious comments

online. Research shows England’s

youngsters are the most likely to say

they have been left out by classmates

at least once in the last month.

Yet bullying is only the visible tip

of the iceberg. The vast majority of

children’s social cruelty is kept out

of sight of adults, and is perpetrated

among friendship groups.

While researching my new book,

The Friendship Maze, I found plenty

of research showing that children

are now behaving more cruelly at

a younger age than ever before.

Knowing how much trouble they will

get into if they are caught bullying

others, this meanness ends up

getting channelled underground into

“relational aggression”, which ranges

from ignoring and dirty looks, to

put‑downs and rumour‑mongering.

The way to steer them away

from this is to help them to create

meaningful friendships in which

they feel happy and confident

enough not to slip into unkind

behaviour. Here’s how to do it:

Steer off social media

Nearly one in four pupils in the UK

is now considered an “extreme”

internet user, exposing them

almost constantly to an arena where

social conflict can break out at any

moment. A study by Israel’s Hofstra

As cyber-bullying

rises, young people

must learn the value

of firm friendships,

says Tanith Carey

Why are our children so unhappy?

University has found the more time

14‑year‑olds spent online, the more

likely they were to get caught up in

cyberbullying.

What to do: Set limits and stick to

them: delay giving children access to

social media for as long as possible,

and certainly not before the minimum

age, which is 13. When they do sign

up, research suggests the sweet spot

is using it for no longer than an hour

a day, after which point they are more

likely to get dragged into rows.

Home phones

More primary schools are sticking up

signs on their gates saying: “Put your

phones away. Your child is pleased

to see you.” We now live in a culture

where more families than ever have

two parents in employment – and

phones are often responsible for

blurring the lines between home

and work. It is no surprise then that

School blues: new

research says

children are the

unhappiest they

have been for

25 years

GETTY IMAGES/CULTURA RF

FEATURES

Nearly

one in

four UK

pupils

is said

to be an

‘extreme’

internet

user

researchers found that in families

where parents are more distracted

by phones, they talk to their children

as much as a fifth less. And our own

rising stress levels make us more likely

to palm our children off with gadgets,

which a study of nearly 900 children

aged six months to two years found

was linked to speech delays. The

outcome is that children start school

without the language to communicate,

which is crucial to making firm

friendships.

What to do: When our phones run so

much of our lives, it’s easy to overuse

them in front of the children. It’s

critical your child never feels your

phone is more important than they

are, so turn off your notifications and

use auto‑reply more, so you don’t feel

the need to interrupt your time with

them. Flip the lid down on your laptop

when they enter the room to show you

want to chat. Draw up a list of screen

use rules for your home that everyone

must abide by. These may include no

phones for anyone within an hour of

coming home – so you can reconnect

and talk about the day – as well as a

ban at meals, during family outings

or before bedtime, another important

time to connect. Schedule phone‑free

one‑on‑one time with your child and

frame it as a reward for everyone, not a

punishment.

The power of play

Nursery and school curricula have

fallen victim to reduced break times

in order to keep up with national

targets. Recent research from

University College London has found

that primary school pupils have 45

minutes less break time a week than

in 1995, while secondary pupils have

65 minutes fewer. Play is how children

learn friendship skills: where they

learn how to compromise, think

creatively, recognise important facial

and verbal cues, and ultimately learn

what behaviour is acceptable.

What to do: Get them outside with

others for unstructured play, and

see it as making a conscious decision

to let them find out more about

themselves and their peers.

Face reality

As a nation, we are avid watchers

of reality TV. Six million people

tuned into the latest series of Love

Island, and a large proportion of

that audience is young people, who

have already been raised on a diet of

X Factor and Made in Chelsea.

The knock‑on effect here is that

conflict is sold on these shows as

entertainment. Studies show that

reality TV shows contain an average

of 85 verbal attacks, insults and snide

remarks each hour, almost twice

that of comedies, dramas and soap

operas.

A study of more than 1,100 girls

by the Girl Scouts Research Institute

found that those who regularly

watch reality TV accept and expect

more aggression in their lives; the

unintended lesson here being that

our children come to believe betrayal

is how to get attention and social

status.

What to do: Watch TV with your

child and talk about the behaviour

you are seeing, whether it’s kind or

unkind, and how you think people

should behave to one another.

Competition costs

Too often the first question we ask

our children when they come out of

school is not, “What did you play at

break?” but “What did everyone else

get in the spelling test?” Our children

are the most tested in the world, and

our schools are under pressure to

push them to succeed at any cost to

keep their place in league tables. So

it’s no surprise that kids soon learn to

measure their achievements not on

their own merits, but by comparison

to others, causing their social

relationships to suffer because they

feel good when others fail.

What to do: Children need

opportunities to just spend time

with friends, playing and just

“being” together. As they get older,

avoid constantly asking how their

performance stacks up to that of

their peers, talking too early about

what university they “should” go to,

or imposing your own expectations

on them. They are far more likely to

make informed, confident choices

if they have been able to come to

decisions without undue pressure

from others.

The Friendship

Maze: How to Help

Your Child

Navigate Their

Way to Positive

and Happier

Friendships by

Tanith Carey

(RRP £10.99). Buy

now for £9.99 at

books.telegraph.

co.uk or call

0844 871 1514

ANDREW CROWLEY FOR THE TELEGRAPH

My grief was insatiable. It swallowed
me alive and left me with no
emotional energy for anyone. Lindsay
Nicholson, the former editor of Good
Housekeeping, summed it up perfectly
when she described grieving as being
like living on the seabed, blindly
crawling along in the dark and cold.
Crying and working – often
simultaneously – were all I was
capable of, but the desire for a child
remained. And so, one cold January

day, I drove hundreds of miles in

howling rain to a fertility centre to

see if I could have my eggs frozen.

Although I was already 42, my

hormone levels were excellent –

apparently those of a 37‑year‑old –

so, physically, I was a good candidate.

My mental state was a different

matter.

The consultant who saw me

considered me too fragile for ovary‑

stimulating drugs, which have been

known to exacerbate anxiety and

depression, and said that it would be

medically negligent to approve me for

the procedure.

The door to motherhood was

closing, but what rammed it shut

and bolted it forever was my getting

breast cancer at 45, and treatment

that involved five years of ovarian

suppression and ongoing daily

medication.

Which brings me to now. At 54,

I am too old to have my own children.

Even with the greatest advances in

fertility treatment and using a young

woman’s eggs, my chances of carrying

a pregnancy to full‑term are close to

zero. But there is a bigger impediment:

the hormones I’d need to take might

wake up any remaining cancer cells in

my body.

Some people ask whether I’ve

considered adoption. Well, even with

my poor maths I can add up: cancer

+ middle age + single + freelance =

no thank you.

I’m fortunate in that I am close

to my brother’s grown‑up sons, my

cousin’s three young children, and I

have lifelong friends who have allowed

me to be a part of their family’s lives –

but, of course, it’s not the same.

And so to Plan Z: a single man who

already has children.

Admittedly, so far, it’s not been a

great success. I’ve met a much older

(too old) grandfather, a man who’s

estranged from his only son, and

someone whose children are living

overseas.

Perhaps my best prospect was my

first date. Online, he looked like an

ideal match. His politics aligned with

mine, he was my age, shared the same

taste in films and theatre and, most

thrillingly of all, had young children,

whom he cared for 50:50 with his ex‑

wife.

I was in love with our new life before

we had even met. I pictured myself at

the school gates, helping out with their

homework, introducing them to some

of the books I’d loved as a child, and

gradually becoming a member of the

family.

Sadly, when we met, the attraction

wasn’t there. We’ve remained friends,

but both of us are still looking for other

people.

So my search for a ready‑made

family goes on. I have not given up on

motherhood, not by a long way, and I’ll

continue dating ready‑made dads until

the right one comes along.

After all, isn’t the first rule of

parenthood never to walk away?

Friends have allowed

me to be a part of

their family’s lives

• but it’s not the same

The Daily Telegraph Thursday 29 August 2019 *** 23

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