Brides USA

hen I was asked to write some

introductory lines for Brides’s

same-sex wedding-planning guide, I got

a little choked up. Just a few years ago, it

was illegal for me to get married. The

government had given us civil unions and

domestic partnerships, but it wasn’t the

same. We weren’t equal.

I met musician Rachael Cantu in 2008,

and within a year, I was 6,000 percent

sure I wanted to spend my life with her.

With Rachael (below, at left) I’d found true

comfort and absolute joy. We wanted to

give a solid foundation to our future chil-

dren, but we were forbidden to marry by

DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act, signed

into law by President Clinton in 1996)

and California’s Proposition 8 (stating that

marriage was between a man and a

woman). All I wanted was to wear a cute

white suit, stand up in front of my friends

and family, and promise to love this woman

forever. So in 2012, I flipped Prop 8 the

finger and proposed to Rachael. She said,

“Wait! Is this really happening!?” followed

by a “Yes, of course!” A few months later,

she proposed back with a song she wrote.

In May 2013, I walked down the aisle to

that song at our backyard wedding. It was

the best day of my life; it just wasn’t legal.

To cover our bases, we flew to New York,

which had legalized same-sex marriage,

and had another wedding in Brooklyn. But

even that wasn’t federally recognized.

We’d gotten married twice and were still

being denied the legal bounty that straight

married couples enjoy, like Social Security

benefits and hospital visitation rights. Then,

in 2013, the Supreme Court overturned

Prop 8 and DOMA. And last year, when the

Court made marriage equality the law of

the land, I and so many others experienced

the moment we’d fought for, cried over, and

dreamt of. So it’s now my pleasure and

honor to write this, as I am finally, happily,

legally married in all 50 states.

—Liz Feldman, writer/producer on CBS’s

2 Broke Girls

DETAILS PLANNING DIARIES

the issue:

My Father Disapproved

HOW TO HANDLE DIFFICULT FAMILY MEMBERS

Feel out potential problem guests. Before you send the invitation, call them

and say, “We’re in love, we’re committing to each other, and we’d like you there,”

says Anna Post, great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and co-author of Emily

Post’s Etiquette 18th Edition. “It’s a hard-hearted person who, after an appeal like

that, would be a skunk at the garden party.” But be clear that if they can’t support

you, they should stay home—even your parents. “Etiquette doesn’t require you to

invite them,” she says. “At the end of the day, you have to be comfortable.”

Mail the invite even if you aren’t sure they’ll come. “People will opt out if they

don’t want to show their support,” says Bernadette Smith, founder of 14 Stories

Events and the Gay Wedding Institute, which trains vendors worldwide on how to

service the LGBT market.

Alert your planner to those guests’ presence. Jove Meyer, of NYC’s Jove Meyer

Events, who runs workshops helping vendors be more LGBTQ inclusive, asks clients

for a list of potential spoilers so he can spot and defuse brewing situations. “If

problem people are important to my couple, I engage with them throughout the

afternoon, complimenting their outfit, getting them drinks,” he says. “I pour extra

love so they won’t become a pain point on the day.”

B

oth Amy Kaufman and Victoria Estevez pride themselves on being ready for

any thing. Amy (above right), 46, is a transportation planner handling logistics

for New York City events, and Victoria, 32, is an executive producer at a mar-

keting firm. So when it came to pulling off their Brooklyn wedding, they didn’t

sweat the planning. But they did worr y about how Victoria’s dad would react to the

news that they were tying the knot. “I’d never come out to my father, but I think he

knew,” says Victoria. Announcing her engagement, she was matter-of-fact. “I said,

‘Dad, I’m getting married to a woman in about a year,’ ” she says. Her dad’s reply was

equally succinct. “He said, ‘I love you, but I’m not coming and I’m not getting

involved,’ ” Victoria says. Neither father nor daughter ever spoke of it again. In a

way, Amy says, she was relieved he wouldn’t attend: “I didn’t want him to ruin the

day with negativity.” Amy’s parents helped with ever y thing from picking out flow-

ers and attending cake tastings to visiting venues. Meanwhile, Victoria’s mother

rallied the extended family. “I have an uncle and aunt—my mother’s siblings—who

are both gay,” says Victoria. While Amy’s parents walked her down the aisle, Victo-

ria’s aunt and uncle escorted her. “It was such a big deal for them,” she says, that

their pride overshadowed her father’s absence. “It didn’t seem like a ‘less-than’ situ-

ation,” recalls Amy. “We enjoyed a gorgeous, stress-free day surrounded by people

who support us.” —Sharon Boone

w

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FROM TOP: SHAUN BAKER PHOTOGRAPHY; COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR