You South Africa – 22 August 2019

FORTHEKIDS
SWhat does a fish say when he runs into a
brick wall under water?
Dam!
SWhat’s black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed Penguin!
SWhy did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
SWhat did the snake say to the noisy chil-
dren at the library?
S-SS-S-S-SS!
S What do you call a bear with no shoes?
Bearfoot.
SWhat does a raincloud wear under its coat?
Thunderwear.
SA pair of curtains goes to the doctor and
says,“Doctor,Doctor,I’mfallingapart.”
“Well,pullyourselftogether!”thedoctor
replies.

THE INTERVIEW
An airhead goes for a job interview. The inter-
viewer starts with the basics.
“So,Miss,canyoutellusyourage,please?”
Shecountscarefullyonherfingersforhalf
a minutethenreplies,“Err... 22!”
Theinterviewertriesanotherstraight-
forwardonetobreaktheice.
“Andcanyoutellusyourheight,please?”
Theyoungwomangetsupandproducesa
measuringtapefromherhandbag.Shese-
curesoneendunderherfootandextendsthe
tapetothetopofherhead.Shechecksthe
measurementandannounces,“165cm!”
Thisisn’tlookinggoodsotheinterviewer
goesfortherealbasics;somethingtheinter-
vieweewon’thavetocount,measureorre-
search.“Justtoconfirmforourrecords,your
nameplease?”
Theairheadbobsherheadfromsideto
sideforabout 10 seconds,mouthingsome-
thingsilentlytoherself,beforereplying
“Mandy!”
Theintervieweriscompletelybaffledat
thisstage,soheasks,“Whatintheworldwere
youdoingwhenI askedyouyourname?”
“Oh,that!”theairheadreplies.“Iwasjust
runningthroughthatsong– ‘Happybirthday
toyou,happybirthdaytoyou,happybirthday
dear.. .’ ”

LIETOME
“Youlookbeautifultoday!”a politicianonthe
campaigntrailtellsa woman.
“Thanks,butunfortunatelyI can’tsaythe
sameaboutyou,”thewomanreplies,
“Sureyoucould,”thepoliticiansays.“You
justhavetolearntolieaswellasI do!”

ALONGSTORY
Anelderlymarriedcouplewho’dbeenchild-
hoodsweetheartshavesettleddownintheir
oldneighbourhood.
Tocelebratetheir50thweddinganniver-
sary they take a stroll to their old school.

Insidetheyholdhandsastheyfindthedesk

theysharedandwherehecarved“Iloveyou,

Dorothy”.

Ontheirwaybackhome,a bagofmoney

fallsoutofa securityvanandlandspractical-

lyattheirfeet.Dorothyquicklypicksitup.

Theydon’tknowwhattodowithitsothey

takeithome.

Oncethere,Dorothycountsthemoney

• it’sR50000.
  “We’vegottogiveitback,”herhusband
  says.
  “Finderskeepers,”saysDorothy,putting
  themoneybackinthebagandhidingitbehind
  thefridge.
  Thenextday,twopoliceofficersaregoing
  fromdoortodooraskingaboutthemoney.
  Theyknockonthedoor.
  “Pardonme,butdideitherofyoufind
  anymoneythatfelloutofa securityvan
  yesterday?”
  “No,”Dorothyrepliesinnocently.
  “She’slying.Shehiditbehindthefridge,”
  herhusbandshouts.
  “Don’tbelievehim,he’sgettingsenile,”
  Dorothyresponds.
  Butoneofthedetectivessitsherhusband
  downandstartstoquestionhim.
  “Tellusthestoryfromthebeginning.”
  Dorothy’shusbandstarts,“Well,when
  wewerewalkinghomefromschoolyesterday
  afternoon.. .”

CONDOLENCES

Mongoisinhisbackyarddigginga hole.

Hisneighbourseeshimthereanddecides

toinvestigate.

“Whatareyoudoing?”theneighbourasks.

“MygoldfishdiedandI’mburyinghim,”

replies Mongo.

“That’sanawfullybigholefora goldfish,

isn’tit?”theneighboursays.

“Well,”Mongoshootsback,“That’sbecause

he’sinsideyourcat!”

OLDMENANDWOMEN

SWherecanguysover 65 findyouthful,pret-

tywomenwhoareinterestedindatingthem?

Inthelibrary... underRomanticFiction.

SWhatcananolderwomandoaboutthe

wrinklesonherneck?

Don’tweara bra.Theadditionalhanging

weightswillsmoothoutthewrinkles.

SDoolderpeoplehavedeepersleep?

Theydo,butusuallytheirdeepsleep

happensintheafternoon.

SAFETYFIRST

“Now,Joseph,”saystheteachertotheaggres-

siveyoungster,“whatdoyouthinkyourclass-

mateswouldthinkofyouifyouwerealways

kindandpolite?”

“They’dthinktheycouldbeatmeup,”Joseph

respondspromptly.

KNOCK,KNOCK

Knock,knock!

Who’sthere?

GeneralLee.

GeneralLee,who?

Generally,I don’ttelljokes.

TRIEDANDTESTED

Awealthyinvestorwalksintoa bankandsays

tothebankmanager,“I’dliketospeakwith

MrReginaldJones.I understandhe’sa tried

andtrustedemployeeofyours.”

Thebankerreplies,“Yes,hecertainlywas

trusted.Andhe’llbetriedassoonaswecatch

him.”S

PRESS FEATURES

“You invited your mother over? I thought we’d agreed to drain the swamp.”

you.co.za 22 AUGUST 2019 | (^57)
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