2019-09-01 Reader\'s Digest

My dentist told me I need a crown.

I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT?

—@SwisherGirl24

impressed. “Well, you

do seem perfect. What

age were you looking

to adopt?”

The husband says,

“It doesn’t really

matter, as long as they

fit in the cannon.”

—planet proctor

Two regulars are

sitting at a bar when

one of them casually

points to a couple of

drunks across from

them. “That’s us in ten

years,” he says.

His friend takes a

sip from his beer,

sets it down on the bar,

turns to his friend, and

slurs, “That’s a mirror.”

— Submitted by

Jack Arzonico

Winston-Salem,

North Carolina

Got a funny joke?

It could be worth $$$.

For details, go to page 3

or rd.com/submit.

saw a rhino and

called it a “battle

unicorn.” Can we let

five-year-olds christen

new species please?

@zoesZooYouTube

The CEO of a large

corporation was giving

advice to a junior exec-

utive. “I was young,

married, and out of

work,” he lectured.

“I took the last nickel

I had and bought an

apple. I polished it and

sold it for a dime. The

next day I bought two

apples, polished them,

and sold them for ten

cents each.”

“I see,” said the

junior executive. “You

kept reinvesting your

money and grew

a big business.”

“No,” said the CEO.

“Then my wife’s father

died and left me a

fortune.”

—jewel993.com

September 19 is

International Talk Like

a Pirate Day (yes,

apparently it’s a real

thing). Here are gags

to tell as you’re

walking the plank:

✦Do you know

what stinks about

a pirate ship?

The poop deck.

✦How much did

the pirate pay for his

peg and hook?

An arm and a leg.

✦Why don’t pirates

take a shower before

they walk the plank?

They just wash up on

shore.

✦How do you make

a pirate furious?

Take away the p.

✦Have you heard about

the new pirate movie?

It’s rated AARRRRGH

because of all the booty!

rd.com 37

Reader’s Digest

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