Drum – 22 August 2019

(Jacob Rumans) #1

40 | 22 AUGUST 2019 http://www.drum.co.za


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MywifeandI attendthesamechurchasa
marriedwomanwho’sknownforlyingand
cheating.Eversinceshegotmarriedmore
than 20 yearsagoshe’sbeencheatingonherhus-
bandwithvariousmen,especiallythosewhohold
positionsofpower.
Myproblemis I knowofthreeboyfriends– one
washercollegemate,anotherherformerlecturer
andthenherpresentone.I oftenseeherwiththis
newboyfriendwhenherhusbandis workingfaraway
fromhome.Heonlycomesbackonweekends.
It’ssaidsheactivelypreventshimfromgetting
transferstobenearertohomesoshecancontinue
withheradultery.Shecandothisbecausesheworks
atthesameplaceandknowstherightpeople.
Mywifeholdsa leadershippositioninthechurch
andhassuggestedweexposehertothechurch
eldersandherhusband.Shesaysthiswillprotectour
daughtersandthereputationofthechurchfromthis
horriblerolemodel.Doyouthinkthisis right?
MM,EMAIL

It’s never easy to look at someone who claims to be
one thing but acts in a different manner. But be careful
of putting yourself and your wife in the middle of a
conflict you could easily avoid. What the woman is doing might
upset you because she’s a member of your congregation, but
that doesn’t give you or your wife permission to pry into her
life. No matter what information you might have on her, she’s
still entitled to her privacy.
What if you decide to expose her to the congregation and
they don’t believe a word you say and turn against you instead?
Or what if you don’t have any concrete proof of what you’re
saying and she turns around and sues you for defamation of
character? Tread with caution.

‘Remember thatcreatinga


successfulmarriageislikefarming:


youhavetostartoveragainevery


morning’– AMERICANAUTHORH JACKSONBROWNJR


I’vebeenlivingwithmy
boyfriendforsixyears.
We’rehappytogether
andI likethewaythingsare
whenwe’retogether.
Hewantstogetmarried– he
hasdonefora longtimenow–
butI don’tfeelready.
Wealwaysendupfighting
aboutit becausehecan’t
understandit’snotthatI don’t
wanttomarryhim,it’sthat
I don’twanttomarryhim
rightnow.
Isit unfairofmetokeephim
waiting?I trulylovehimbut
I haveothergoalsI wantto
achievebeforeI settledown
andhavekids.
CONCERNED,EMAIL

It’sunfortunatethatyou
don’tseemtosharethe
samevisionasyour

boyfriend.Butatleasthehasmade
clearhisintentionstowardsyouand
yourfuture,insteadofjustleading
youon.
Asmuchasyouarejustifiedin
yourargumentaboutnotwanting
togetmarriednow,youalsohave
toconsiderhisfeelings.
Discussingthisshouldn’tlead
toconflictbetweenthetwoof
you.Youshouldbeabletotalkto
eachotherandreachanamicable
decision.Bothofyoualsohaveto
bearinmindthatinorderforyour
relationshiptoworkyouneedto
compromise.Meetingeachother
halfwaydoesn’thavetomean
sacrificingwhatyouwant.
I suggestyouseektheinter­
ventionofa relationshipcounsellor
soyoucanclearlydiscussexpect­
ations.Ensureyoucomeoutwith
a decisionthatwillmakebothof
youhappy.

I’ma 41-year-old
marriedmanandI stay
with my wife and kids.
The problem is I haven’t felt
anything for her for a long
time.
My family and in-laws aren’t
on speaking terms and so both
of us are forced to take sides.
Her brother has impregnat-
ed my niece now and I hate
that her family didn’t
do anything to intervene.
Meanwhile I’m trapped in
this marriage because of my
children, who are nine and
one. I really don’t want to
complicate their lives.
What can I do?
UNHAPPY, EMAIL

It’sthefamiliesthataren’t
onspeakingterms– youand
your wife should never have
been expected to choose sides.
This isn’t your battle. You two have
your own family to worry about and
shouldn’t be involved in this dispute.
This family feud might also have
contributed to you and your wife
drifting apart. It’s rather sad that
because of all this you seem to
have already made up your mind
that there is irreparable damage
to your marriage. If this is the case,
staying in the marriage isn’t doing
any favours for you, your wife or
children. If you really feel you want
out, then do something about it.
Just be sure it’s what you want so
you don’t regret it later.

I’M NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN


STUCK IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE


SHE’S A CHEATER


ADVICE

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