DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
The office phone rings, one of the employees
picks up and says: “What kind of an idiot is it that
dares to phone me in the middle of my lunch
break?!?”
The caller shouts back: “Do you have any idea
whom you are talking to...? I am the CEO of this
company!”
The employee replies: “Do you have any idea
whom YOU are talking to?”
Perplexed the CEO mumbles: “NO!!!”
The employee heaves a sigh of relieve and
says: “Thank goodness for that!!” and hangs up.MEN’S RULES
1 “Yes” and “no” are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.
1 Come to us with a problem only if you want
help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is
what your girlfriends are for.
1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
PROBLEM. See a doctor.
1 Anything we said six months ago is inadmis-
sible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after seven days.
1 If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.
1 If something we said can be interpreted two
ways and if one of the ways makes you sad or
angry, we meant the other one.
1 You can either ask us to do something or
tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you
already know best how to do it, do it yourself.
1 Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that...
1 If we ask what is wrong and you say
“nothing”, we will act like nothing is wrong.A PIRATE’S LIFE
On an island in the Pacific Ocean, a pirate walks
into a bar that he usually frequents in between
his sea raids. He is happy to see the familiar face
of the friendly bartender.
The bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in
a while. What happened? You look terrible.”“What do you mean?” asks the pirate raising
aneyebrow, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You
certainly didn’t have that before.”
“Oh, yes, I’d already forgotten about
that. We were in a battle off the Gold
Coast and I got hit with a cannonball,
but I’m fine now.”
“Well, okay, but what about that
hook? What happened to your hand?
Surely you are constantly reminded
about the fact you only have one hand
now?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded
a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand
was cut off.
I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“Really? So what about that eye patch?”
“Oh, yeah, one day we were at sea and a flock
ofbirds flew overhead. I looked up and one of
thempooped in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” the bartender says, “you
couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird poo.”
“True... but it was my first day with the hook.”SHOPPING REVENGE
“Cash or card?” I ask after bagging all the
grocery items the woman wishes to purchase.
As she fumbles for her wallet I notice a
remote control for a TV set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote in your
handbag?” I ask.
“No,” she replies with a smirk. “But my
husband refused to come shopping with me
because of the soccer game, so I left the
soapies playing on TV.”WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
An old man walks into the doctor’s office with a
serious problem.
“Doctor, I’ve had problems with silent gas
emissions. At home, work and even at church,
I release tons of silent wind everywhere I go!
As a matter of fact, I’ve had to let go of wind
thrice since sitting here talking to you. What are
we going to do?”
The doctor replies: “The first thing we’re
going to do is check your hearing!”GREAT ESCAPE
Sipho has been in a mental institution for se
years and he desperately wants to escape. T
only way to escape is to jump over the highly
electrified gate.
Sipho spends the whole month training to
jump as high as he possibly can.
One night he wakes up feeling that he is
ready to jump that gate. He wakes his friend up
and bids him goodbye. His friend looks at him
with tears in his eyes as Sipho disappears into
darkness.
Shortly afterwards Sipho is back again in his
room looking really disappointed.
His friend jumps up from bed and asks: “And
now.. .Sipho?”
“No, man,”Sipho answers, “the gate was
open, I couldn’tjump. I’ll try again tomorrow
evening.”DIAMOND
RING
A guy buys his wife
a beautiful diamond ring
for her birthday.
After hearing about this
extravagant gift, a friend of
his says, “I thought she wantedone of those sporty four-wheel-
drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replies. “But
where was I going to find
a fake Jeep?”gggr en