Section:GDN 12 PaGe:5 Edition Date:190827 Edition:01 Zone: Sent at 26/8/2019 16:26 cYanmaGentaYellowbla
- The Guardian
Tuesday 27 August 2019 5
Pamela
Stephenson
Connolly is
a US-based
psychotherapist
who specialises
in treating sexual
disordersSexual healing
Pamela
Stephenson
Connolly
ILLUSTRATIONS: GUARDIAN DESIGN/GETTY (POSED BY MODELS)
When I
was 15, my
mother moved
abroad for
a boyfriend
without
telling me
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letters-termsThinking about sex repels me
and I feel revulsion afterwards.
Is my boyfriend’s age a factor?
I vaguely enjoy sex with
my boyfriend, but thinking
about sex repels me and
I feel revulsion afterwards.
I nearly climax , but
always pull away before it
happens. My boyfriend is
15 years older than me and
I wonder if my feelings are
to do with an underlying
sense of power imbalance,
even though I trust him
and we act as equals.The simple and common phases of
sex are desire (the feeling of
wanting sex); then arousal (where
the genitals and other parts of the
body respond in preparation for
sex); then further sexual thoughts,
feelings and actions, which lead to
orgasm. There can be interruption
or dysfunction at any of these
stages. In your case, you are unable
to experience the fi rst or last.
Revulsion could be the result of past
attitudes instilled in you , or of
sexual coercion – current or p ast. Or
you may simply not be attracted to
your boyfriend. Denying yourself
your climax by pushing him away
suggests you are unable to allow
yourself pleasure for some reason
t hat must be u ncovered. Or a re you
really denying him your orgasm?
Are you harbouring resentment –
possibly due to your sense that
t here is a n u n fa i r persona l cont rac t
between you? Underlying anger
towards a partner will certainly
undermine desire, as well as sexual
functioning in general, and must
b e a d d r e s s e d.an explanation or apology. “She has
contacted me since but always asks
for money. That’s why I made the
decision to cut all ties with her. ”
Laura puts her mother’s behaviour
down to a traumatic upbringing, but
can’t make the same excuses for her
father. “Dad had a lovely childhood,
but he has no emotions or empathy
for anyone. We haven’t spoken in
seven years.” Although she is close
to his parents and they encouraged
her and her father to repair the
relationship, it brought her nothing
but more hurt. “After he left my mum,
he went on to have a new family; that
was really hard for me , when he’d
made so little eff ort with me. ”
When she gets married next year,
neither of her parents will be invited.
“I grew up thinking I did something
wrong for my parents not to want me.
My only regret is not telling my dad
how much I hated him. I don’t hate
my mum; I just feel sorry for her and I
wish she could see what she’s done.”
Ending all contact with a parent
may sound extreme, but for Alice
it was an act of self-preservation.
“My dad left when I was eight
and I haven’t spoken to my mum
once since I moved to Germany
10 years ago,” she explains. “She
wasn’t maternal and had a really
bad temper. She would never be
aff ectionate and I felt unloved.” Like
Laura, Alice believes her mother may
have had a miserable childhood,
which meant she lacked the
emotional tools to be a good parent.
“After I grew up and had my own
daughter, our relationship got even
worse,” she says. “ I became more
aware of how unimportant I was to
her life.” Alice’s mother never came
to see her or her granddaughter, but
she did form a close bond with her
son’s new family. “It hurt me that she
made an eff ort to spend time with
my brother’s children and not mine.
Over time I have come to terms withthe fact that she never loved me.
I don’t hate her or feel sorry for her;
I just don’t want her in my life. ”
Andy hasn’t spoken to his mother
for 25 years, after they stopped
communicating in his early 20s.
For him the problem was a lack of
respect and common values. “I grew
up in a ‘children should be seen and
not heard’ household, where my
parents’ opinion was the only right
one. ” He says he was never praised
for his achievements, only criticised
for doing things wrong. “Whatever
I did, it was never good enough. If I
did well at something, my dad would
always have to prove he was better.”
The house rules were strict and
he was sent to bed by 8pm every
night, even at the age of 16. But
instead of sleeping, Andy found
himself listening to the radio to
escape the boredom. He quickly
became interested in current aff airs
and politics, which gave him a new
insight into the world. “It made
me realise that my parents’ views
were snobby, sexist, bigoted and
racist. I was never allowed to voice
any opinion that contradicted theirviews or I’d be sent to my room. It
made me lose respect for them.”
Andy’s dad died when he was
18, but he felt no real sense of loss.
“We were living in the same house
but we hadn’t had a conversation
for over a year. I can’t say I regretted
not making up with him. He was
miserable to be around.”
Several years later, Andy graduated
from university and bought a house.
“I was so proud but my mum told
me it was horrible. She said it looked
like a council house and asked why
I wanted to live in a slum.” As his
career advanced, she became more
critical and constantly compared him
with his brother. “I was 21 and felt
successful but she was ashamed of
everything I did because it didn’t fi t
her snobbish ideals.” Eventually, he
stopped contacting both his mother
and brother, and has never looked
back. “It wasn’t really a diffi cult
decision to make because we had
nothing in common and they didn’t
accept me or my life choices. ”
For other families, the rift is a
result of the parents’ divorce. Helen
lost contact with two of her four
adult children this year, after ending
an emotionally abusive relationship
with their father. “Since we separated
in 2011, it’s been a slow process of
parental alienation,” she says.
She believes her former partner
has used the same manipulation
tactics on her children as those that
destroyed their marriage. “Once the
kids got older and I developed my
own life and interests, my ex became
controlling and tried to stop me from
doing the things I liked,” she explains.
During a period of gaslighting that
spanned many years, she says he
told lies about her behaviour to
friends and family. “Once he told
them I was drunk and suicidal and
I’d gone missing. In reality I’d gone
to the supermarket. ” Over time,
her husband’s side of the story was
believed and Helen began feeling
alienated from her family. “I sadly lost
my mum a few years ago and my dad
is a man’s man and took my ex’s side.”
Despite making every eff ort to
build bridges with her children, she
admits she doesn’t know what their
father has told them. “He has always
manufactured an argument before
parties and celebrations, to prevent
me from coming to the event. He also
accused me of having an aff air when
I got a new partner, even though I
never cheated on him,” she says. The
relationships with her two estranged
children became so strained that
she wasn’t given an opportunity to
discuss what had happened. “The
only explanation they’ve ever given
me is that I don’t care about them or
that I treat them as little kids.”
Though losing contact has been
a painful experience, she doesn’t
blame her children. “It’s not their
fault – they’ve learned it from their
dad,” she says. “They’re like goldfi sh
swimming in a tank where someone
keeps adding a tiny bit of colour
every day, until they start to see
things in a completely diff erent way.”
She would love the opportunity
to reconnect with her children, but
doesn’t see how. “ I feel like I am
standing outside and they’re inside
a glass room. I really miss them.”
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