Daily Mail, Tuesday, August 27, 2019 Page 19ITTLEJOHN
[email protected]P
LANS have been announced
for a new TV channel to help
immigrants learn English.
It’s estimated that around
850,000 people living here
can’t speak the language.
A think tank called British Future is
proposing they watch classic television
shows, including Only Fools And Horses and
Fawlty Towers.
This would teach them not just the basics,
but how to communicate in the vernacular,
like wot we do.
It would supplement over-subscribed
English classes at local colleges — including
this one, at the Nelson Mandela Academy, in
Peckham, South London...AU REVOIR, Wilko Johnson, buenaven-
tura. My numbre, name-o, is Del
Garcon Trotteur. Toujours, that is,
today, I will be your — how you say? — guido
fawkes to spreken zie Creme Anglais.
Je suez un entrepreneur, whatever that is
in French, and I am effluent in the canarding
and diving. Je don’t connais si any of vous
have voyeured ze Soixante Neuf ITV series
Mind Votre Language, mais if vous avez ever
seen it you will getto the idee generale.
To assist me, je suis joined by mon plonquer
d’un frere Rodney et the plume de ma tante,Au revoir, everyone,
let’s parlez Peckham
Oncle Alberto, who is fluento in a
numero des lingos, on account of
having un oiseau in every port
quand he was dans le marine
merchand, as we say in the tapas
bar Espanol formerly known as
the Tete Du Nag, run by mon villain
ami Michel — qui was aussi in
Il N’est Pas Chaude, Mere, sur
UK D’Or.
Je comprende that some de vous
avez jusque arrivez sur Margate in
un grande inflatable swan from the
par four de Calais, un Jolly Buoys
Outing veritable.
Fortunatement, je hablar le
mots foreign like a native — of
Peckham.
In bom dia de tempo toulez de
vous willo be sprecko dos Inglesi
comme un gringo who grew uppo
in le Sud de Londres.
OK? Bonnet de douche. Are vousassez confortissimo? Then, we’ll
commencez. Lesson numero uno
is: how to parlez Peckham.
Premiere de tout, vous willo
desiro putto a few squiddly diddlies
in your sky rocket — or Pochettino,as you appelle it sur le continong,
dans le mots fameuz de le
legionnaire jockey de disque
Jimmy Jeune, sur Radio Deux.
Qu’est que c’est le recipe
aujourd’hui, Jim?Z
E MUCHO importante
mot sur votre vocabularo
is ‘Croydon’. Cette is the
clef majique which donner
und blitzen vous the access
instant to the old rock’n’roll et un
maison council.
Lesson una paloma blanca is how
to allez shopping.
When down le marche, if some
geezer askez vous pour un
‘pony’, il doesn’t demandezun petit cheval. Est slango for
vingt-five sovs.
Similarlo, quand acheting un
voiture second-hand from Senor
Boycie, when he dits it will costez
vous un ‘monkey’ he doesn’t mean
a chimpanzee, he means 500 of
your English squiddlies.
If le patron Michel dans le former
Tete Du Nag tries to floggez vous
un plateau de Boeuf Bourguignon
pour un tenner, tell him vous will
avez le beef stew for £2.50. Meme
difference, n’est pas?
Any questions? Parfait. Royame
Uni, nul points! Je handez vous
over to mon Oncle Alberto, pour
un lesson Britannique historique.
During le Guerre...
Not now, Albert. Bain marie! Vousavez un question, senor at the
backo? A problemo with votre
accommodation, you say? Uno for
Monsieur Fawlty, je croix.
This is typical. Absolutely typical
of the kind of nonsense I have to
put up with from you people.
You ponce in here expecting to be
waited on hand and foot, while I’m
trying to run a hotel here.
Have you any idea of how much
there is to do?
Do you ever think of that? Of
course not, you’re all too busy
sticking your noses into every
corner, poking around for things
to complain about, aren’t you?
Well let me tell you something —
this is exactly how Nazi Germany
started. A lot of layabouts with
nothing better to do than to
cause trouble.
Well I’ve had 15 years of
pandering to the likes of you, and
I’ve had enough. I’ve had it. Come
on, pack your bags and get out...
Mange tout, Basil. I think that’s
enough for today. Until
next week, willkommen, bon
appetit and bonjour!DEAR old Keith
Waterhouse, much
missed former denizen of
this parish, would have
enjoyed the story about
Enid Blyton being banned
from commemorative
coins for being ‘racist’
and ‘homophobic’.
When the PC witch-hunts
began donkey’s years ago,
Keithy penned a fabulous
spoof Blyton rewrite in
response to po-faced
Leftie bigots going ape
about the Noddy stories
featuring golliwogs.
He called it Noddy and
Socially Challenged Ears.Calorie counting crows
SPEAKING of Del
Boy (see elsewhere)
you can’t help admiring
the latest wheeze aimed
at fleecing mug punters
overcome by ‘green
guilt’. A company has
come up with a ‘carbon
offset’ scheme as
ingenious as any of the
tree-planting scams
designed to pander to
the private jet set.
They are promising, for
a small consideration,
to bury bags of charcoal
at the bottom of a
quarry on behalf of
anyone who feels
queasy about killing
polar bears every time
they take a journey by
road or air.
Don’t you wish you’d
thought of that first? Itturns out that they’re
importing the charcoal
from Namibia. You
couldn’t make it up.
Mind you, in the name
of saving the planet,
we’re getting rid of
coal-fired power
stations and shipping
over millions of tons of
woodchips from the U.S.
No wonder the
Brazilians have
decided to cut out the
middle man and set fire
to the rainforests
instead. Saves a lot of
bother, and if they feel
guilty they can always
pay someone to bury a
bag of Namibian
carbon at the bottom of
a redundant coal mine.
Peckham Spring waters
all round!HEADLINE of the week comes from Her
Majesty’s Daily Telegraph yesterday:
‘Birds fed on cheeseburgers develop
cholesterol issues.’ Tell us something
we don’t know, I thought
when I read it, judging by
some of the XXL lard-butts
cluttering up the streets
over the Bank Holiday
weekend, stuffing their
faces with fast food.
Call me old-fashioned, but
what is it about young
women who think
that letting it all hang out is a way
to behave?
The minute the temperature goes
above 70F in old money, they seem to
think it’s acceptable to squeezethemselves into flimsy crop tops and
spray-on Lycra shorts, flaunting
more rolls of fat than a Sumo
wrestlers’ convention.
On closer reading, the story
wasn’t about heart-
attacks-waiting-to-happen
Hattie Jacques wannabes in
Britain, it was about crows
in California having high
levels of cholesterol in
their blood after feeding
on leftover McDonald’s.
Mind you, there’s no
danger of it spreading to crows in this
country. There’s not a cat in hell’s
chance of any of our gut-busting young
women leaving so much as a crumb of
a cheeseburger for the birds.CHILDREN are spending so
much time on their iPads
and other electronic devices
that they are missing out on the
joy of having imaginary friends,
according to a new report.
Oh, I dunno.
What are so-called ‘Facebook
friends’ if not imaginary, as I was
saying to my giant rabbit mate
Harvey only yesterday.PROPERTY pornographer
Kevin McCloud has been
having a pop at people with too
many bathrooms.
The presenter of Channel 4’s Grand
Designs said: ‘Bathrooms are
extremely wasteful in terms of
resources, yet people are putting
more in their homes than there are
actual occupants,’ he said. ‘Four
people live in the house and put in
six toilets. I don’t understand that.’
He may have a point but, frankly,
I’m surprised he isn’t keeping his
head down right now. Or, at least,
giving it five minutes.
It has been revealed that people
who poured more than £4 million
into an eco-friendly property
scheme promoted by McCloud could
lose up to 97 per cent of their
investments. When it comes to
flushing other people’s money down
the toilet, he really does know what
he’s talking about.‘
’