Daily Mirror - 27.08.2019

mirror.co.uk TUESDAY 27.08.2019 DAILY MIRROR^19

DM1ST

Warning: may contain sarcasm... and cats

POLLYOMETER

PHILOSOPHER OF

THE WEEK

“If you’re searching for that one

person who will change your

life, just look in the mirror.”

Paris Hilton

DAD JOKE OF THE WEEK

“Pork chop

L’escalope

Rhyming cutlets.”

Richard Osman

DRAGON’S DEN OF THE WEEK

“I would very much like an electric

pressure cooker that doubles as a

deep-fat fryer. Maybe someone will

invent one soon. Here’s hoping...”

Nigella Lawson

r.co.ukkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

POLLY HUDSON

Going up...

Eligible spatula

Sometimes you

just need a win.

This tiny spatula

means you can get

the very last drop

out of every

product you buy –

take that, the man!

So good we can

almost forgive it

for being called – for a reason I

never want to understand,

thanks – The Spatty Daddy

Spatula.

Monkey makes the world go

round

It’s the oldest story in showbiz

• the washed-up, long-
  forgotten old
  star, suddenly
  making a
  triumphant
  comeback. It
  happened to
  John Travolta in
  Pulp Fiction,
  and now it’s
  about to
  happen to Marcel, the monkey
  from Friends.
  Real name Katie, she’d been
  reduced to working as a
  baseball team mascot, but now
  she’s back, baby. Catch her
  next year in post-apocalyptic
  drama Y: The Last Man.

THE Great British Bake Off is

back, which means two things.

We will hear a lot of “jokes”

about soggy bottoms even though

they stopped being in any way

amusing back in 1807. And I will

be left out.

I’ve never seen a single episode

of GBBO. Not in a taking-a-stand

type way, just... I don’t get

it. Cooking is boring. I

wouldn’t want to watch

cooking if I was doing it,

let alone someone I don’t

know, and then I don’t

even get to eat the thing

afterwards.

I’m not anti-Bake Off,

more Bake Off agnostic.

I’m happy for it to go on, and for

the people who like it to enjoy it,

I’m just never going to get

involved. It’s not for me. And so,

I’m left out.

Luckily I have had a lot of expe-

rience. Stuff has been sweeping

the nation – and sometimes the

globe – that leaves me cold ever

since I can remember. There’s so

much that everyone else loves and

I hate, like...

Talking about how you’d

spend the money if you won

the lottery

This is most of my friends’

favourite conversation. Whenever

my husband and I try to have it,

we’re arguing within seconds.

We disagree on who we’d give

cash to. He wants to keep our win

secret, I reckon people might

suspect once we moved to the

mansion.

He wants a holiday home – and

this is where the chat breaks

down, because I just have too

much anxiety about the reliability

of the hypothetical staff looking

after this imaginary property.

Star Wars

Never seen it. Never want to see it.

The end.

Coffee

I would genuinely like to like this,

because it’s really grown-

up to go for a coffee/really

need a coffee etc. But it

tastes like death. And why

would you drink death

when tea is so delicious?

All sport

Olympics, World

Cups, The Ashes.

Whatevs.

Summer

Sweaty, terrible lighting,

masses of extra effort

required grooming-wise,

pressure to be having the best

time ever... but how can you be

when you’re so sweaty, being seen

in terrible lighting, and exhausted

from all the extra grooming?

Peanut Butter

Overrated. Massively.

Anything Royal that isn’t

about Harry and Meghan

After watching The Crown I

do have new respect for the

Queen, but come on,

at this point

we’ve seen her do

everything a bazillion

times, and she’s unlikely to

get a new storyline at this stage,

so I’m out. William and Kate can

bore off. Don’t get me started on

Eugenie etc.

Doing shots

Puke.

Social Media

Permission to be a terrible narcis-

sist and make everyone you know

• oh, and complete strangers –
  feel awful, because their life isn’t
  as good as the one you are
  pretending to have.

Birthdays

Birthdays are the opposite of chil-

dren – other people’s are fine, but

your own are unbearable.

There’s nothing less fun than

your birthday party – and having

Happy Birthday sung to you falls

somewhere between severe

punishment and literal torture,

depending on how well-adjusted

you are.

Avocados

The Peanut Butter of the fruit

world. Yes, it is actually a fruit not

a vegetable – see, everything

about it is annoying.

Oh so many things

I‘m not fondant of...

‘‘There’s so

much that

everyone

else loves

and I hate

NAME: Roxie

APPEARANCE: White with ginger and tabby splodges

SPECIAL SKILLS: If you are a cat’s person, hide this

page immediately... because even the most pampered,

every-whim-catered-to puss is going to take one look at

Roxie and want a piece of that. She sleeps in her person’s

bed every night, human-style – but obviously their duvet

isn’t quite good enough for Roxie, she needs her own

special cover. Which she gets, obviously.

Pretty impressive, even by cat standards, Rox.

If the feline in your life is good – or next level – enough

to be Cat Of The Week, send a photo and details to polly.

hudson @mirror.co.uk

CAT OF THE WEEK

LUVVIE OF THE WEEK

“So I went on a fairy-finding trip and

came back with a harp. I said, ‘Can I

use this in the show?’”

Cara Delevingne

Going down

Treesmendous

The very latest wellness trend

is Forest Therapy – meaning

spending time in nature,

among the trees, and using all

of your senses to soak up the

therapeutic atmosphere. Or, in

lay people’s terms: going for a

walk. Revolutionary.

Lonely planet

A new epidemic spreading fast

may well be the saddest thing

that has ever existed. It’s

called Invisible Loneliness. In a

nutshell, it means that even

the people who seem like

they’re okay might not be

okay. So to be on the safe side,

looks like we’ll all just have to

be kind to everyone from now

on, right?

WHO’S WHO? Bake Off hosts (I think)