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When my wife gets a little upset,

sometimes a simple “Calm down”

in a soothing voice is all it takes to

get her a lot upset.

— @TheNardvark (Bryan Donaldson)

He winked at her. She

turned back to me.

“What else you got?”

—Gary Martin

Wichita Falls, Texas

Quotable Quotes—

Little Kids’ Edition

✦“Wait, what was I

just crying about?”

✦“You count to ten,

and I’ll hide in the

bathtub.”

✦“Well, that’s just

great. You cut my

fingernails so short

that I can’t even pick

my nose!”

—littlehoots.com

Nothing says “I mean

business” like using

a shopping cart at the

liquor store.

—someecards.com

After my wife acciden-

tally swallowed my

prostate medication,

our daughter called

a pharmacist to ask

whether there was any

cause for alarm. He re-

plied, “Only if she starts

hanging out at hard-

ware stores and buys a

lot of power tools.”

—Gary Massey

West Valley City, Utah

I was trapped in an

elevator for 30 minutes

before the doors finally

opened. Relieved, I

said to a fellow hos-

tage, “There’s a first

time for everything.”

She grumbled back,

“There’s a last time

for everything too.”

—Carol Leish

Ventura, California

THE CAT’S MEOW

If you nod knowingly at

these tweets, you’re a

cat person:

✦I like to sleep on the

left side of the bed, and

my cat likes to sleep on

the left side of the bed.

So we compromised, and

I sleep on the right side of

the bed. — @julietrouge

✦I feel like 90 percent

of having a cat is saying,

“Where is the cat?”

— @the_rug

✦A guy I was dating sat

down on the couch next

to me. I proceeded to

whisper “That’s the cat’s

spot” to myself.

— @christyshark89

✦Sometimes I’ll ask my

cats, “Are you a good

kitty?” They just look at

me, and my wife will say,

“Answer your father.”

— @tastefactory

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