Whether the trouble comes from cook-
ies or controlling behavior, it’s important
for your mental and marital health to
establish a cordial relationship with his
mother, says Brann: “You don’t have to
be best friends, but at the ver y least you
need to get to a point where you can be
around each other without stress, ten-
sion, or drama.” Here’s how.
- Think about how your
big news affected her life.
“When you’re a mom, you’re in the
driver’s seat,” says Brann. “Then you’re in
the passenger seat because he’s growing
up and can drive the car. Once he gets
married, you’re in the back and his wife
is with him in the front.” When you
consider that kind of demotion, it’s no
surprise that issues arise; even the loveli-
est woman will feel a sting from being
knocked a few rungs down the ladder.
And often it’s not just herself she’s wor-
ried about: A University of Wisconsin
study found that after their sons get
engaged or married, mothers worr y about
their boys’ well-being and wonder
whether they’ll be changed by their wife.
Yes, these fears may be retro and irra-
tional, but cut mama bear a little slack.
“This is her child who’s getting married,”
says Brann. You have a wedding to plan,
but she has a son to surrender, and it
takes time for most of us to adapt to a
major life change.
- Get to actually know her.
You probably have a sense of what kind of
mother your MIL is—sweet or needy,
bossy or nurturing. But if you want peace
in the valley, lose the labels and find ways
to see her as a real person and engage with
her as such. This doesn’t mean a stand-
ing Sunday brunch date, but hanging
out separately with her during visits—
maybe in the kitchen, where you might
discover you’re obsessed with the same
Food Network show—can work wonders.
“You want to express genuine interest and
kindness and to find common ground,
whether it’s reading, traveling, or what-
ever,” says Lesli Doares, marriage thera-
pist and author of Blueprint for a Lasting
Marriage: How to Create Your Happily Ever
After with More Intention, Less Work.
“Building that positive foundation early
will help down the road.”
And the best time to start is before the
wedding, says Brann. “Try to involve her in
some way so she feels she’s a part of things
and not just another guest,” she explains.
This is what one of Sandy Petrovic’s daugh-
ters-in-law did before marr ying her son in
- “It was huge for me when she invited
me with her mother and maid of honor to
pick out her dress and then to do hair and
makeup with the bridal party,” she says.
“Although I didn’t have much of a say in the
planning, it was so meaningful that I was
included, and I felt like I was a part of it.”
If you’re not prepared to go that far,
even small gestures, like occasionally
updating your MIL on how the planning is
going, will reassure her that she’ll have a
role in her son’s new life with you. That’s
what Kelly*, an Army wife near Seattle,
did. “My mother-in-law is a ver y blunt
person, so I would tell her about things
only once we confirmed them,” she says.
“I kept her in the loop on ever y thing but
didn’t ask her opinion.” That’s a great way
to manage an in-your-face MIL, says Jen
Glantz, professional bridesmaid and
founder of Bridesmaid for Hire. “Give her
a call to let her know whenever something
big happens,” she says. You can also send
snaps of your flower arrangements or
from the venue visit to make her feel like
she’s part of the process.
And if it seems that your MIL couldn’t
care less about the planning? Update her
any way. Caitlin’s mother-in-law had kept
her distance throughout a seven-year
courtship with her son, so Caitlin, who’s
28 and lives in Indianapolis, didn’t even
think to include her in the wedding plan-
ning. “It felt like it would have been
weird,” she says. “Now, three years after
the wedding, family members say she still
has bad feelings about not being asked to
participate in decisions that I had no idea
she even cared about.”
- Enlist your husband’s
help in setting boundaries.
Lisa, 40, a New York marketing exec,
wishes she and her husband had come up
*Some names were changed in the interest of familial harmony.
Downton Abbey’s
dowager countess
accepted her monied
American DIL ...
eventually.
For better or for worse,
the ultimate MIL:
Queen Elizabeth II
Jane Fonda plays the
ultimate MIL-zilla in
2005’s Monster-in-Law.
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