with a solid game plan to deal with her
“narcissistic” MIL before matters came
to a head. “My mother-in-law pushed
my buttons in strange ways on multiple
occasions,” says Lisa. “It drove me crazy
when every time we visited for the week-
end, she’d say I looked tired and why
didn’t I go upstairs and take a nap. I’d
already told her I wasn’t a napper, so I felt
like she was being passive-aggressive,
but I continued to answer politely that
I wasn’t tired.” Finally, after Lisa had
heard it one time too many, she barked at
her to never, ever suggest it again. Her
mother-in-law burst into tears, her fiancé
fled the room, and the incident sparked
six months of silent treatment. “I should
have been more respectful, but my hus-
band should not have left the room,” says
Lisa. “Since then, he and I have become a
team. And when his parents come to
town, they stay in a hotel.”
When you have an MIL who just doesn’t
get it, showing a united front and setting
clear parameters of where she fits into
your new family unit is key to keeping
your marriage happy. If something’s get-
ting under your skin, talk to your husband,
and if he isn’t feeling your pain (most sons
are inured to their mom’s shortcomings),
don’t resort to name-calling and labeling,
says Doares. “He’ll be too busy defending
her to address the specific behavior,” she
says. So instead of whisper-shouting in
the kitchen, “Your mom’s doing that thing
again!” wait until it’s just the two of
you and say, “Can you tell your mom that
she should call before she comes over?
Imagine if she rang the bell when we were
naked!” If he talks to her and she still
doesn’t make adjustments, you and your
husband need to agree on consequences.
(Yep, just like with a two-year-old.) When
she tries to barge in on Sunday mornings,
answer the door and tell her you’re busy.
“Stand your ground, and eventually she
will respect your wishes,” says Brann.
And keep in mind that she’s not the only
guilty party here. “Mothers can’t domi-
nate their adult sons unless they allow
them to,” says Karin Anderson Abrell, a
psychologist in Chicago. Of course, you
won’t call your guy out on that; just cite
specific times when you feel hurt and
need him to stand up to his mom so that
you can be a strong husband-wife team—
without her sitting in the middle.
- Be the change you
want to see.
Whether your mother-in-law missteps
because she’s having a hard time letting
go or she deliberately tries to undermine
you at every turn, take the high road when-
ever you can. “Remember, this is your
husband’s mother,” says Susan Shapiro
Barash, author of Mothers-in-Law and
Daughters-in-Law. “For that reason alone,
you have to make allowances.” Emily, 35,
from Tampa, wanted to cr y ever y time
she visited her domineering, matriarchal
mother-in-law in Spain. “For the first four
years, she refused to say my name and
would only call me ‘the American,’ ” says
Emily. “When I tried to speak Spanish,
she shook her hand and said, ‘Stop
talking! Your Spanish hurts my ears!’ She
criticized the way I held my fork and
knife, the way I dressed, even my weight.”
Because Emily knew her husband’s family
was important to him, she decided to
make a real effort. She combed the Inter-
net to find a worthy addition to her MIL’s
collection of ceramic ducks and brought
updated family photos on every visit. It
transformed their relationship. “Now my
mother-in-law hugs me and has even
started to say ‘I love you,’ ” she says. “I
wish my younger self had had the confi-
dence to do this sooner.”
Lauren Moore also adjusted her mind-
set after the Cookie Jar Incident. “I came
to realize that the full jar was a symbol to
my mother-in-law of hospitality, of wel-
coming people into your home—the
things I love about her,” she says.
5. And if all else fails,
remind yourself that she did
raise an awesome guy.
Don’t worr y if things get off to a rocky
start; you’ve got years to work on this. Be
patient and keep perspective. “Assuming
your husband’s values remain aligned
with his parents’, you likely have similar
core values, ethics, and morals,” says
Anderson Abrell. Even if it’s hard to find
common ground, you share at least one
crucial thing with your MIL: love for her
son. Says Kelly, whose mother-in-law is
prone to ver y abrasive backseat driving:
“At the end of the day, she brought up an
amazing man, and for that, I love her.”
Besides, if you plan to have kids, there’s a
good chance you’ll be her one day.
QUESTIONS YOUR
FUTURE MOTHER-IN-
LAW MAY ASK YOU
RIGHT NOW AND HOW
TO HANDLE THEM
IF SHE SAYS: “Just let me know if
you want me to go dress shopping
with you... .”
YOU SAY: “My bridesmaids
and I are going, but I’ll let you
know if that changes,” says
psychotherapist and author
Deanna Brann.IF SHE SAYS: “You really can’t
swing more invites for us?”
YOU SAY: “[Her son’s name] and
I have thought very carefully
about the guest list, and we are
comfortable with the head count,”
suggests Brann. Ideally include
your fiancé in the conversation—
or at the very least, drop his name.IF SHE SAYS: “Have you considered
a church ceremony?”
YOU SAY: “[Her son’s name] and
I have really thought about where
we want to be married, and
this is the venue that has the most
meaning to us,” says Brann.IF SHE SAYS: “How much money
did my friends give you as gifts?”
YOU SAY: “Oh, my goodness,
we’ve been getting so many gifts
that I’m not sure at this point,”
says Brann. When in doubt, she
says, “Deflect, deflect, deflect!”4
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