Cycling Weekly – August 22, 2019

Cycling Weekly |August 22, 2019 | 61

when I hit the aerobic equipment in a
crowded gym that the various onlookers
(and onlooking is 90 per cent of what
happens in a gym as far as I can tell) should
recognise me for what I am, which is their
God come modestly to pass among them.
They don’t.
I think the problem is the sweating.
A fter three minutes a few little islets of
sweat appeared on my shirt. A fter 10
minutes I was dripping. A lake started to

form, and a river began to meander out
across the fl oor. A fter 20 minutes other
gym users were beginning to stockpile
towels in case they needed to build a
dam around my bike to keep the salty
fl oodwaters under control.
I have no idea why this doesn’t happen
to other people. I appreciate that many
gym users take the sensible precaution

of avoiding strenuous exercise, but I see

plenty of others working at a decent pace

who seem quite normal, while I’m clearly a

coronary incident just getting underway.

No one ever saunters by and casually

admires my eff ortless 375 watts, partly

because they ’re frightened of the climate

system developing around me, but mainly

because I’m making it look any thing but

eff ortless; generally I have the unruffl ed

look of someone

chased by a crocodile.

In the end, in this

case, the sealing on the

bike proved unequal

to the task. Abruptly the screen went

blank, the resistance dropped to zero, my

cadence hit about 200rpm, and I emitted a

surprised and very high-pitched yelp.

Beating a gym bike into submission

ought to count as a victory. But walk ing

out of the gym, leaving a trail of sweaty

footprints and a lot of angry glaring

behind, it didn’t feel that way.

An email arrives: “Dr. Hutch, I’ve got a

riding mate who swears by the

performance-enhancing eff ects of

caff eine. But he’s always hated coff ee

and says tablets give him indigestion.

He depends on coff ee yoghurt — he

eats two, an hour before an event.

“Recently he forgot to take any and

asked me if I’d pick some up for him on

my way to the same race. Looking at

the small print on the pot I noticed in

the ingredients: “coff ee fl avouring

(does not contain caff eine)”.

“ The question is: Do I tell him?”

Yo ur s , A n on.

I’d suggest you don’t, Anon. Keep it to

yourself. Until that moment when the

sudden revelation will do the most

damage. You’ll know this moment

when it arrives.

ACTS OF CYCLING

STUPIDITY

Perspiration on a scale hitherto

unseen in your average gym

Ph

ot

os

A

lam

y

“I emitted a surprised

and high-pitched yelp”