friends quiets that fight-or-flight response. It also provides a unique kind
of emotional support. “Unlike family or coworkers, friends choose to be in
our lives. When they show up for us, it’s incredibly validating. It helps us
feel appreciated for who we are,” says Miriam Kirmayer, a therapist and
friendship researcher at Montréal’s McGill University.
Adulting can make it hard to maintain these bonds, however. After around
age 25, our friendships start to dwindle in number, according to a large 2016
study done by the University of Oxford and Aalto University, in Finland.
When we’re younger, BFFs are as close as the top bunk at camp. Grown-ups
have fewer built-in opportunities, and social plans often get stuck in rain-
check purgatory. “We come to see friendships as a luxury for when we have
time to indulge,” says Kirmayer. The sad consequence? Nearly half of Ameri-
cans suffer from feelings of loneliness, found a 2018 Cigna survey. And data
from the 2006 General Social Survey indicates that the number of people
with no close confidants has tripled in recent decades.
Thankfully, the solution is a no-brainer. “We need to take these relation-
ships just as seriously as we do diet and exercise,” says Holt-Lunstad. In
other words, make like a middle schooler, and put your peeps first.(^1) GO FOR QUALITY OVER QUANTITY
“Having a few close friends is better for you than having many superficial
ones,” says William Chopik, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at
Michigan State University, in East Lansing. “What is most beneficial is
how you feel about the relationship: Are you supported? Will they pick
up the phone in the middle of the night? Those are the ones you should
invest in.” Then safeguard your investments.
TRY THIS: Team up for routine tasks. Experts agree that frequent hangouts
are the superglue of strong ties. So when life is crazy, get creative. “There
are things we all have to do,” says Barbara Greenberg, PhD, a clinical psy-
chologist in Weston, Connecticut. “Why not check them off together?”
Book double manicures, or sync up to volunteer or vote—and keep the vibe
positive, since experts say it’s easy for catch-ups with a bestie to devolve
into venting sessions. “Share wins, too,” says Shasta Nelson, the author of
Frientimacy (Seal Press, 2016). Describe the high you felt finishing that 5K;
ask your pal about her upcoming vacation. “You want to leave each other’s
presence feeling better than when you arrived.”
(^2) MAKE A COMMITMENT
It is a truth universally acknowledged that when we fall in love, our other
relationships suffer. (For 21st-century proof, see the movie Old School.) In
fact, we lose two friends on average, per a 2015 University of Oxford study.
And that’s shortsighted. In two trials with nearly 280,000 subjects, Chopik
found that for older adults, supportive friendships were a stronger predictor
of health and happiness than relationships with family members and spouses,
because “we tend to spend leisure time with friends, while more obligatory
relationships can often lead to mixed emotions and stress,” he says.
TRY THIS: Set a standing “friends date” to talk about a book or catch up over
a meal, suggests Andrea Bonior, PhD, author of The Friendship Fix (Thomas
Dunne Books, 2011). She finds monthly meet-ups to be the most manage-
able, and therefore successful, for busy people. A recurring get-together
takes the pressure off, too. “If you can come, great. If not, see you next time,”
says Bonior. “Just having it on the calendar gets the momentum going.”
(^3) ENGAGE OFF-LINE
Social apps create the illusion of a robust com-
munity, but science indicates that the more time
we spend on them, the lonelier we feel. In 2018,
University of Pennsylvania researchers tracked
the time 143 college-age subjects spent on Snap-
chat, Facebook, and Instagram. They then asked
one group to restrict themselves to 10 minutes
per platform per day for three weeks. Those sub-
jects reported feeling measurably less depressed
and lonely. One possible reason is that we have
a limited amount of “social capital” (i.e., time
and energy), and scrolling eats away at it, says
Melissa Hunt, PhD, the study’s lead author.
TRY THIS: Check in more “intentionally,” says
Nelson. Use posts to jump-start meaningful
face-to-face conversations. Some people are
likelier to share unfiltered struggles when talk-
ing rather than typing, research shows, and
those exchanges can build trust to keep bonds
tight. Self-disclosure has also been shown to
increase our likability. And while a video chat
is no substitute for an IRL hug, experts know
the world is big: FaceTime qualifies, too.
(^4) SUPPLEMENT WITH
SMALL TALK
Unless you’re Rachel or Monica, you probably
don’t see your soul sisters every day. That’s
why it’s beneficial to cultivate “weak ties,” or
people you run into regularly but don’t know
well: the cheerful goldendoodle mom at the
dog park; the kale whisperer at the community
garden. Gillian Sandstrom, PhD, a psychology
professor at England’s University of Essex, con-
ducted a study asking subjects to count, using
mechanical clickers, the number of times they
talked to such people over a six-day period.
Participants reported feeling happier on days
with more clicks. “We go through life trying
to get things done efficiently and don’t make
time to engage,” Sandstrom says. “But even
quick hits of connection can increase your sense
of well-being and reduce loneliness.”
TRY THIS: Put down your phone and say hi to the
crossing guard or the barista who starts your
latte the second he spots you. Says Sandstrom:
“Research shows that both sides enjoy these ex-
changes more than they anticipate they will.”