Modern
Manners
J.E. ASKS...
I’m never sure of the “right” thing to say in
the event of a tragedy, whether in a card or
in person. Sometimes I worry so much about
saying something insensitive that I don’t send
the card at all. Could you recommend a few
kind sentences to offer a grieving person?
Think of condolences this way: A grieving
person experiences the breadth of their
community, with everyone saying—in
different ways—“I am here for you.” The
content is less important than the act of
adding your voice to the chorus of support.
And it takes courage. It can be frightening
to talk to a sad person, but push through.
Keep it as simple as you like: “I’m so sorry
for your loss, and I’m thinking about you.”
“He was my favorite uncle, and I can’t imag-
ine how much you’ll miss him.” Or add a
favorite memory or poem. Just avoid silver-
lining platitudes or potentially unshared
religious beliefs (“She’s in a better place” or
“God needed another angel”). On the very
off chance the recipient takes offense, know
it’s because they needed a hook to hang
their grief on—and you, bravely, offered one.
Make a genuine good-faith effort—which you
will, or you wouldn’t be asking—and your
family will give you the benefit of the doubt.
(If they don’t? Then that, as the young peo-
ple say, is on them.) My general approach is
this: all the first names on the card, all the
last names on the envelope. For the latter,
arrange them in alphabetical order and
separate them with slashes, since hyphens
presume joined last names (if there are
hyphenated names in the mix, simply include
them): The Elkalai/Jackson/Park-Patel/Smith
Family. This method happily errs on the side
of thoroughness while simultaneously call-
ing this motley-named household what it
is: a family.
C.M. ASKS...
How do I properly and politically correctly
address correspondence to a blended fam-
ily? My granddaughter lives with her male
partner and children from two relation-
ships, all of whom have different last names.
I’m never sure how to address cards, invita-
tions, and announcements to them. I don’t
want to offend anyone or leave anyone out,
but I can’t figure this out. Please help.
REAL SIMPLE’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT,
CATHERINE NEWMAN , OFFERS
HER BEST ADVICE ON
YOUR SOCIAL QUANDARIES.
ABOUT
CATHERINE
The author of
One Mixed-Up Night,
Catastrophic Happiness,
and Waiting for Birdy,
Catherine Newman
has shared her wisdom
on matters ranging
from family and friends
to happiness and
pickling in numerous
publications. She
gets advice from her
husband and two
opinionated children
in Amherst,
Massachusetts. CATHERINE NEW
MAN ILLUSTRATION BY ULI KNÖRZER
74 REAL SIMPLE SEPTEMBER 2019
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