S.L. ASKS...
With so many people using sites like GoFundMe
to raise money, I’ve noticed a trend: Fundraisers,
even those I know very well personally, may use
the thank-you function on the site but rarely
acknowledge my gift otherwise. I’d of course
never expect a handwritten note from someone
in crisis, but in less life-altering situations, like
when people are raising money for a good cause,
it feels so impersonal. How should I adjust my
expectations in this age of digital fundraising?It’s a strange new world. Your generosity is
acknowledged the way it’s offered: with a
click. You haven’t selected a gift or written
a card or even a check; you’ve surfed past
a worthy request and, kindly, tapped in your
contribution. GoFundMe has helped raise
over $5 billion since 2010, and I imagine so
many people use this type of crowdfunding
platform precisely because they don’t need
to thank each person individually—especially
if they collect a few dollars each from hun-
dreds of donors. (All this assumes you’re not
simply funding someone’s vacation to Hawaii,
which, I think, would require a more personal
acknowledgment than a charitably autogen-
erated thanks.) Imagine what I imagine when
I donate: The fundraiser scrolls down the
list of names, sees yours, and swells with
gratitude. It turns out to be enough.A.M. ASKS...
I am married with two children. We are able to take a
couple of trips a year, precious time for our busy family.
I have one sibling, a brother, who is single with no chil-
dren and lives on the other side of the country. We enjoy
spending time with him, but he seems to assume he is
always welcome to join us. I know I should tell him, “You
need to wait to be invited, and sometimes you won’t
be,” but I can’t bring myself to. Our parents are gone,
so my family is essentially his family, and I feel bad about
excluding him. How do I talk with him about this?
Weighing our happiness against others’
happiness may be the hardest thing human-
ity asks of us. It’s reasonable to crave fam-
ily time and important to care about your
brother’s feelings. Can you invite him to
your home in lieu of looping him into every
trip? Then you won’t spend time and money
on an experience that’s not quite what you
need. If he’ll be expecting an invitation, tell
him the compassionate truth: “We love
spending time with you, but the four of us
need that week to reconnect. Can you come
here for a long weekend in October? The
kids are dying for you to watch their soccer
games.” It may help shift his expectations.HAVE AN ETIQUETTE QUESTION?
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