Happiful – August 2019

I’d build up the worry

inside until I broke

down, distraught and

inconsolable.

This first stage of OCD

lasted a couple of months,

and then manifested into

different things over the

next 10 years. OCD has a

way of strengthening its

power the longer you are

silent. Like a monster, it

changes form so that it can

rear its ugly head when

you least expect it.

When I was nine, my

obsessive compulsive

thoughts shifted into

fears that something bad

was going to happen to

someone I loved. The

ironic thing about OCD is

that it brings your worst

fears to the surface, in the

format that you want them

to happen. Many intrusive

thoughts appear as ‘-insert

name- is going to die’.

So, guess what your next

thought is? ‘You thought it,

so now if it does happen,

it’s your fault.’

When I had intrusive

thoughts, I’d have to

perform an ‘action’ to

protect the person. I’d

touch the wall a certain

number of times, or say a

sentence in my head for 10

minutes. Before bed, I had

a ritual – recite the names

of every person I cared

about. If I missed anyone,

I’d have to start again, in

case something horrible

happened to them.

Over the years, obsessive

compulsive thoughts

manifested into phobias

and health anxiety.

When I started college

in 2007, my health anxiety

triggers ranged from using

a new beauty product

and panicking about a

fatal reaction, to having

an undiagnosed (usually

terminal) illness. The

panic attacks took over

my life – the feeling of

my throat closing up and

not being able to breathe

made me too scared to

sleep in case I never woke

up again.

At uni, I even developed

a toilet anxiety where I

couldn’t go anywhere I

hadn’t been before in case

there wasn’t a loo. This

added to the feelings of

shame, making it harder

to ask for help. I just

couldn’t do normal things

people my age were doing.

After I finished university

in 2012, the rituals, and

constant state of panic

had gotten too much to

bear. I isolated myself out

I’ve struggled with OCD

since I was eight, and

launched my blog in late

2017 to raise awareness.

There’s something about

OCD that makes it seem

more taboo than some

other mental illnesses. For

me, it’s because amongst

everything else going on

in my mind, this is the

thing that makes me feel

the most crazy.

Suz [right] and her cousin

Serra as children

With OCD, we

experience intrusive

and mainly irrational

thoughts. A lot of the

time, we know they are

irrational. But they still

terrify us and consume us.

According to studies, it

takes most sufferers 18

years to seek help. This hit

home for me, as from the

age of eight until I was 21,

I stayed silent.

My experience started

in 1998 after a semi-

traumatic event at school

• I wasn’t in immediate
  danger, but it deeply
  affected me and how ‘safe’
  I saw the world.
  I developed a fear of
  breaking things, and was
  plagued with thoughts
  that I was going to upset
  someone I loved. I would
  touch a door and panic
  that I had scratched it.

80 • happiful.com • August 2019

“My friend Dee helped me out

of a really dark place”