96 I http://www.thegardener.co.zathis, but up to now they haven’t had a good
track record in terms of harmonious living...
Our erstwhile state president saw himself
more as a good entertainer, singing his
favourite war cry ‘umshini wam’ – which, if I
remember correctly, is a cry for his machine
gun. So here are my thoughts about
warding off danger...Hijacking
The best way to avoid being robbed of your
car is to drive the oldest, most dilapidated
skedonk you can find. If you sense danger,
stall it like its engine is failing, and at the
same time wail using both hooter and voice.
Otherwise rev your car hard to get the ailing
pistons to create black smoke. As a last
resource, simply rear end it up somebody
else’s arse – that way you will not be in
trouble all alone.
From what I can understand, cars are
not stolen because somebody is jealous of
your wheels – they are stolen because they
are used as getaway cars where high-speed
chases are needed, or to quickly commit
other crimes. Most nice hijacked and stolen
cars are found abandoned or crashed just a
few hours after the deed was done!
Uber hijacking is apparently a new
trend – since you can’t stay at home all the
time and sometimes you need to hire an
Uber, be proactive with signage. Before
you get in place a large sign written in
dayglo ink in the back window saying;
“This Uber has already been hijacked by us.
Bugger off and find your own!” Chances
are you are going to get away with it or be
stopped by the police – if the latter are not
crooks in costume looking for somebody
to scam, you might get home safely.Garden boundaries
Since high walls, prickly plants, vicious dogs
and even electric fences are not deterrents
anymore, I would again advise the installation
of well-illustrated and quite graphic signage
saying; ‘Home of cannibalistic family. Tooth-
sharpening done cheaply here!’ (The reason
for illustrations as well as words is that you can
never trust the reading level of some crooks.
So take no chances!)R
eading the daily newspapers is
becoming quite a challenging and
scary pastime. Out there in the ‘wilds’
of Mother Nature’s gardens armed and
dangerous poachers are ruthlessly killing
off our most precious animal species. Not
even plants seem to be safe anymore.
It is therefore no surprise that a lion will
escape from its reserve to go and live in a
cold town like Sutherland, even though he
landed up in a police cell. Recently, a baby
leopard from Benoni (nogals!) was found
hiding behind a washing machine in the
suburbs. It is said that another, less timid
leopard is under suspicion of chewing up a
wood-gathering human on the outskirts of
busy Stellenbosch – a well-known ecologist
was called in for some forensic advice
regarding this strange ‘murder’.
All so-called ‘tamed’ areas, including
large suburban sprawls like the Cape Flats
and the sleepiest coastal towns, as well
as working farms in the countryside, have
become extremely dangerous places where
folks have to arm themselves to the hilt to
defend themselves against gangsters and
crooks.
Seeing an elderly neighbour in the street
at four in the morning dressed only in his
jocks and bed socks wielding a large Taser
is no laughing matter. Neither is the sight
of a hunter freshly returned from hunting
10 springbucks in the Kalahari, and still very
much in the mood to shoot something else.
This is the result of too many thieves and
drug addicts roaming around after dark.
They think nothing of breaking open your
garage doors to steal something stupid like
a pressure sprayer, or of accosting you in
broad daylight while you’re in the company
of friends around a braai, to relieve you and
your guests of cellphones, wallets, booze
and laptops. They actually like it when
you have guests so they can do a quick
‘mass-robbing’ instead of just ripping off
one poor soul at a time! It’s just good time
management...
Individuals like us have no other option
but to start thinking of measures of
‘maximum force’ to keep ourselves safe. We
could obviously trust our government to doLighting
Fitting motion-sensitive lights that
illuminate the whole yard and street is a
good idea, but I would also add some hectic
old hi-fi speakers in the trees that very
loudly blare out the rap song ‘Lekka Djy!’
immediately after the lights are set off!Alarms
Nobody is scared of, or even hears, ear-
piercing alarms anymore (they have simply
become ‘white noise’). When alarms do go
off it takes the security company quite a
while to pitch up, in which time you could
lose limb and life. If you are lucky the police
will arrive within the following week...
You should therefore rather go for a panic
button that activates a silent alarm, but is
also affixed to a smoke bomb machine that
emits thick fog in psychedelic colours. You
might not be able to see anything, but on
the other hand the crooks also won’t be
able to see you and will hopefully become
disorientated for a while. Remember, the
worst crimes are committed in a matter of
minutes, so it makes sense to make them
waste their time a bit...Maximum force
If you have to use a lethal weapon to
protect yourself (which is actually the
only option, I suppose), be aware that this
country’s laws are more sympathetic to
the perpetrators that the innocents. This
is why you can land in jail adjudged guilty
of grievous bodily harm or even murder. It
is therefore my view that instead of saving
for a relaxed old age in a retirement village,
you should rather build up a rather fat
prison fund. Even though prisoners get free
boarding and lodging, you can have a much
better time in the clink if you have a fat
little piggy bank to ‘buy’ extra comfort and
luxuries.
The only other remedy for crime that I
can think of is to force everybody between
the ages of twelve and forty to go to the
army for a few years of discipline and civil
duty. It might keep a lot of crooks off the
streets (or not?).Our Chelsea reportback shows you how human designers tamed the wildness of
nature to create serene gardens where everything is in harmony. In South Africa,
I guess we had best concentrate on taming our ‘human natures’ first!Taming (human) nature
STOEP STORY
By
Anna
Celliers