GQ South Africa – September 2019

gq.co.za

Illustrat

Ion by

sImon

abranow

Icz

• Sex,whendone
  well,iSoftenameSSy
  diSaSter.Thisis a fact.
  Whichis whyit’sincredibletome
  thatsomanypeopledon’tyetown
  a sextowel.If youhavenoidea
  whysomeonewouldwantsuch
  a towel,I worryforthesexyou’re
  havingandthepeopleyou’rewith.
  If youdon’talreadyowna towel
  forthisexplicitpurpose,it’snot
  (totally)yourfault.I don’tthinkI’ve
  everseenthecrucially-important
  sextowelvisuallyrepresentedin
  themedia.Thinkaboutit,canyou
  recalla TVormoviesceneinwhich
  thecouplespenta fewminutes
  awkwardlycleaningup?Everyone
  usuallyjustliesbackdownon
  thebed,breathingheavilyinthat
  particularwe-just-had-sexway,
  andnoonecleansupanything.To
  whichI havesomanyquestions.
  Didnoonecome?Didyoujustdry
  hump?Is thatwhyherbrais stillon?
  Onlyonewomanhasbeenbrave
  enoughtotellthetruth:Beyoncé
  GiselleKnowles-Carter,whoin
  thesong“Partition”,broughtus
  thegloriousline,‘Oh,theredaddy,
  daddydidn’tbringthetowel.’Real
  humanadultsaremessywhenthey
  havesex.Jay-Zis usinga towel.You
  aren’tbetterthantheCarters!
  Don’tworry,thisisn’ta specific
  typeofmicrofibre,high-tech
  towel.A sextowelis literallywhat
  it soundslike:a towel,butforsex.
  Thismeansthatyourraggedy
  T-shirt,a rollofpapertowels,
  a tissue,anoldsock,a pillowcase
  oranyotherweirdteenageboy
  holdoverthatyoumaythinkis
  acceptable,is not.If youwantto
  usethosetocleanyourselfupafter
  a solojerksesh,fine,butwith
  two-(ormore!)personsex,it’s
  gottobea proper,designated
  towel.Thatmeanstheonlyjobof
  thistowelis cumremoval.Thisis
  expresslynota beachtowel,shower

Keepithandy

Youknowwhattheysay:a sex

towelinthebedroomis worth two

inthelinencloset.OK,I made that

up,butif youdon’thavethe towel

handy,youcompletelyundo any of

thegoodwillyoumayhaveearned

fromowningsaidsextowel. So

keepthetowelsomewherein your

room;thisis especiallyimportant

if youlivewithotherpeople or

haveguestsoverwhomaystumble

upona cleansextowelanduse it!

Anddon’tworry– it’snot

weirdorpresumptivetohave

a towelreadytogo.It’sthoughtful

andprepared,likehavinglube or

a condomoranythingelsethat

suggeststhatyou’reanadult who

knowshowsexworks.Justmake

sureit’sclean.

• Sophia Benoit

towel,bathmat,handtowelor

• godforbid– a dishtowel.This
  is a towelyoupurchasedwiththe
  sole,unmistakablepurposeofits
  futureoccupationasa sextowel.
  Here’showtobea grownass
  manwhois responsibleenough
  toowna sexcleanuptowel.

WhattolooKoutfor

Whenbuyingsaidtowel,look

fora normalbathtowel,orif

you’reveryfancy,a beachtowel

(oftenfluffierandevenbigger

thana bathtowel).Buyit in

a colourthat’sveryobviously

differentthantheothertowels

youalreadyhave.Youdon’twant

tomixthisupwithyournormal

showertowel.Avoidwhiteor

black,whichshowallkinds

ofthingsthatnooneneedsto

see.Maroonorblueareboth

goodchoiceshere.Patternsare

evenmorepreferable.Noone

needstoknowwhathappenson

thetowel.That’sbetweenthe

washingmachineandgod.

Washitearlyandoften

Now,whenyougethomefrom

thestore,immediatelywashyour

newtowelbeforeyouuseit.Towels

oftenshedlittlebitseverywhere,

andfindingtinyfuzzinyour

orificesis nota hotpost-sexvibe.

Speakingofwashingthetowel,

dothiseverysingletimeyouuse

it.Everytime.If you’rehavingso

muchsexthatyoucan’tpossibly

imaginedoinga loadoflaundry

betweeneveryloadyoublow,

thenbuymorethanonesextowel.

Undernocircumstancesareyou

toreusethesextowelbeforeit’s

beenwashed.Yes,evenif you’re

justsleepingwithonepartner.

Sexwithyoushouldbelikestaying

ina threetofivestarhotel,not

makingdoata seedymotel.Fresh

towelsarealwaysprovided.

EssEntials Sex&Relationships

A sex towel is

essential

If Beyoncé has one, then you need one as well

30 / September 2019