butmountainsandtrees/
Andmyguiltyworthless
screams,“Whatwas
wrongwithme?”’Sheis
notalwaysa bombastic,
positiveperson,andeven
whensheis onsongslike
“GoodasHell”,there’s
a layerofsadnesstoit,
thedifferencebetween
tellingyourfriendshe’s
beautifulanddeserves
betterandtellingit to
yourselfinthemirror.
Confidenceis stillher
strongsuit;Lizzosaysshe
hasa strongfoundation
ofself-worth,regardless
ofoutsidevalidation.But
onCuzI LoveYou, s h e’s
alsotryingtoempower
herownvulnerability.It’s
bornoutofthelatestcycle
ofherlife:dealingwith
thebeginningsoffame
andshiftingrelationships.
‘I thinkthischapteris
brave,braverandmore
vulnerableforme.And
it’sexcitingtoexplore
vulnerabilitybecause
I’mknownasbeingthis,like,uber-confident,
body-positivewoman,
almostlikea bombastic,
braggadociousbitch,’she
says.‘AndI’mstillthat,
butI’malsoexploring
andshowinga sideof
myselfthatpeopledon’t
reallygettosee.’
Hencecryingis a
themeontherecord.She’s
cryingbecausesheloves
you,andlatershecries
likea girl.She’sasdefiant
asever,rappingabout
self-loveandherbeautiful
body,butthesadtimes
areasobviousa partof
hernarrativeasthegood
ones.On“HeavenHelp
Me”,shesings,‘Ifloveain’t
deadImmakillit,’cause
it’skillin’me.’Onthe
particularlyheartbreaking
“Jerome”,shesingsabout
comingtotermswithhim
notbeingrightforher,
eventhoughthere’sso
muchabouthimtolove.
‘Thefactis I’mleaving,so
justletmehavethis,’she
wails.She’ssayinga lot‘I’m known as beIng a bombastIc, braggadocIous bItch’
women become avatars of
confidence and feminism
to non-black women).
Look at her Twitter
(@lizzo), and under every
post, there’s a torrent of
‘yass queens’ and gifs of
women flipping their hair
and prayer-hands emojis.
Her DMs, she says, are
from people pouring their
hearts out to her about
their problems and the
way her songs have helped
them find their own
confidence. She’s a saviour.
But if you listen to
more than just the slick
beats and the hooky
choruses, Lizzo’s music
tells a deeper story. She
raps and sings about
anxiety, about heartbreak,
about her father’s death.
In her song “1 Deep”, she
talks about her rocky
relationship with her
mother: ‘I stopped talking
to my mama for three
months / No eye contact
during lunch / Wasn’t
nothing else around us
of goodbyes and letting
herself feel everything that
comes with that, with the
knowledge that it’s all for
the best. It’s what Audre
Lorde meant by self-care
all along: a radical act
of self-preservation in
a society that doesn’t
support black women.
Lizzo doesn’t love to
be negative, but some of
the vulnerability of her
new album was born out
of a crisis. ‘I had a really
bad mental episode,’ says
Lizzo, one that hit as
she was about to go on
tour. She was about to
go onstage, but minutes
before, she found herself
a mess in the toilets. So
she took stock of her
relationships – how they
had changed now that so
many of her friends had
become her employees.
She took a look at how
her mother and sister
moving with her to Los
Angeles changed their
family dynamic. She askedherself why she didn’t feel
comfortable opening up
to the people she loved.
She went to therapy.
‘I think I started scooping
out a lot of my defence
mechanisms, and I started
exposing myself and
being more vulnerable
and honest,’ she said.
‘I’m really learning about
how to be vulnerable, but
also not defenceless.’
Lizzo is fighting to stay
real, and to not fake any
of those feel-good Lizzo
moments, which she
knows is the only way for
her life to stay sustainable.
But she also jokes about
the future. In five years,
she envisions herself on
Lizzo Island. It’s full of
fresh coconuts, compost-
based waste systems and
aloe vera baths. ‘All of
the men have very large
penises, and all of the
women are bad bitches,’
she says.
If anyone can build
it, she can.