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V9 - FALL maskmatters.org 51
with you, I feel you, I am here with
you.”
In kid speak, it screams, “I feel
your pain.” And neuro-scientifically,
we actually do feel their pain. We are
hard wired with millions of neurons
that mirror and feel the pain of
others.
That being said, a choice is an
action—and as humans, we gravitate
to choices with the least pain. This is
what makes empathy so difficult. At
times, we purposely put ourselves
in situations in which we can feel
the pain of others. Doing so has
extraordinary long-term benefits for
ourselves, our families and society,
but in the short-term, is very difficult
and painful.
To be empathetic, we need to be
relentlessly attentive, able to soothe
ourselves, and talk to ourselves
about why we are choosing the
more difficult path. Hard enough
under most circumstances, but in
our increasingly complex world,
doing what it takes to practice
empathy is even more challenging.
As technology advances and big
tech creates apps that persuade
users to use them constantly,
we see a diminished capacity
to see, hear and feel the
true feelings of another
person. Think of a time you sent a
text or e-mail and the response you
received was less than favorable or
perhaps someone took more than
five minutes to respond. Your brain
went into overdrive, thinking the
person didn’t care, didn’t include
you, didn’t like you, etc.
Now, imagine being 12 years
old and having dozens of those
experiences per day. It’s imperative
we get clarity on exactly what
mindful usage and balance of
technology looks like, and how
we can work as partners with our
children in modeling how to use it
effectively.
As we look ahead to a new
school year, here are some simple
ways you can begin to cultivate
empathy in your homes and schools:
Play perspective-taking
games. Depending on the age
of your child, design a fun game in
which they invent an age-appropriate
scenario and you pretend to be each
other responding to it. At the end of
the game, ask them what they think
they got right. What should they have
done or said differently? This activity
builds the empathy muscle. You’ll also
learn a lot about how they see you
and your likely response to different
situations.Practice improv at home. In
improvisational theater, there’s
the concept of saying “yes, and...,”
essentially continuing a line of thought
or action and adding your own
ideas to it. It can be extraordinarily
difficult, but is great for creating a
story together. This practice doesn’t
mean you have to agree to the line of
thinking, you just have to extend it,
shape it and lead it where you think it
needs to go.
If you think of your family as an
improv troupe, how can you say “yes,
and...” to whatever is happening?
Imagine a scenario where you want
your child to help clean the house.
They say they can’t because it’s
too boring. Many parents will
say, “OK, but we still have to
do it.” Which is really
saying your feelings
don’t matter here.
While it’s true
your child needs to do chores,
a “yes, and...” response would
be, “You’re right, it’s so boring.
So let’s do chores while pretending
to be [insert wacky characters like
fancy aristocrats, ring-tailed lemurs, or
vampires]. This acknowledges that the
boredom is meaningful and interjects
some fun.Teach and practice the Platinum
Rule. While the Golden Rule
(treat others as you want to be
treated) is good, the Platinum Rule
is more valuable and says, “Treat
others as they want to be treated.”
This requires that you get to know the
other person well enough to know how
they want to be treated. Practicing the
Platinum Rule in and of itself builds the
skills necessary for empathy.
As the Zulu tribe in Africa says
sawubona (“I see you”). Be there, see
them. They need us now more than
ever.