Men’s Journal – September 2019

026 SEPTEMBER 2019 MEN’S JOURNAL

I know that many chest-thumping

macho stereotypes are corrosive and

deeply harmful, but I’m also tired of apolo-

gizing for being male. Moreover, I’d like to

build deeper friendships with other guys

and get more comfortable with myself.

Maybe a guy retreat can move the needle.

AFTER THE INSPECTION, staredown dude

leads me to a room where other attendees

are sitting on the f loor. Within an hour,

there are 18 of us, which turns out to be

the whole group. Most of the guys are

between 30 and 45 years old and here on

the advice of therapists or friends who’ve

gone through the retreat. The MKP staff

consists of about 30 volunteers, all mem-

bers of various local MKP chapters.

At sundown, our group is led to a for-

mer horse barn, where we sit on pillows. A

stout, middle-aged guy in a cutoff T-shirt

and cowboy boots bangs a staff on the

ground. Men have been warriors for thou-

sands of years, he says, but the old notions

of masculinity have hurt us and those we

love. This weekend, he says, is an initia-

tion into a more aff irming kind of man-

hood, and we’ll be confronting our fears,

weakness, and shame. This, we’re told,

will unlock our power as men.

I was OK with test-driving a new model

of masculinit y, but, at t hat moment, I realize

that I had no real intention of abandoning

the dysfunctional behavior that landed me

here. The staff leads us through exercises

that are effectively party games: We pair up

and tell the other guy what we observe and

imagine about him. We then sit back-to-back

and try to stand up together. Corny as this

sounds, I feel an unusual, and surprising,

bond forming with the other men.

In a sharing circle, a quiet guy who

drives a school bus for a living explains that

he grew up fat herless, w it h an emotionally

abusive mother. As the guy unwinds his

story, he is completely vulnerable, and as

courageous as a man staring down a tank.

At the break, I hug the guy and tell him

that he’s the bravest motherfucker I’ve ever

met. I feel his body f ight the sobs that he

needs to let out but isn’t ready to yet. I get

it. Around me, other men, some with wet

eyes, are hugging. The vibe is neither New

Agey nor contrived—it’s just what emerges

when we stop bullshitting ourselves.

Turns out, being deeply moved leads

to dehydration and hunger. Dinner is a

glamorous spread of dry granola and apple

slices and all the water you can drink.

Afterward, we split into six-man teams.

For the next game, we’re to carry a large log

representing “a fallen comrade”—whom we

Of the retreats offered by these groups,

the NWTA is the most well-known. Sixty-

eight thousand men in a dozen countries

have completed it, and enrollment is up

8 percent this year, according to Boysen

Hodgson, MKP’s comms guy. “More men

are awakening from a dark sleep,” he says.

“They’re seeing that the bill of goods we

were sold about manhood—independent,

competitive, dominant, stoic, discon-

nected—was always a lie.” Now, he says,

men are looking for support, connection,

and self-expression. Which is why I’m here.

The NWTA is the hallmark event for the

ManKind Project (MKP), a nonprof it with

24 chapters across the U.S. The retreat

aims to help attendees explore a more

developed state of masculinity, by way of

connection and self-expression. So what’s

with staredown dude? “Follow me,” he

growls, then saunters toward the building.

I trail behind him, toting my duf fel and

sleeping bag. He leads me to a dim, cavern-

ous room and points me to a guy at a table,

where I surrender my phone, keys, and

wallet. I’m photographed and assigned a

number, 7. This is the f irst step in sepa-

rating us from the known world and edg-

ing us toward the unfamiliar. My bags are

searched by two men who’ve obviously

been tipped off that I’m dealing fentanyl.

Another guy frisks me for contraband. But

getting worked up here seems senseless.

Besides, I signed up for this.

Founded in 1984, MKP is something

of a forebear to a number of similar men’s

groups—Evryman, A Call To Men, Illu-

man—that have cropped up recently to

address the existential crisis that many

American males seem to be experiencing.

I KNOW THAT MACHO

STEREOTYPES ARE

HARMFUL, BUT

I’M ALSO TIRED OF

APOLOGIZING FOR

BEING MALE.